My MISERABLE little girl

I never thought I would have to see my Addi in so much turmoil. I really thought I would protect her from all pain, at least when she was still so little and vulnerable. The past three days have been so absolutely heart breaking I would wish it on nobody. The transition into daycare has been exactly what I prayed wouldn't happen. My happy, bubbly, giggling baby has transformed into a depressed, stressed, anxious person whom I do not recognize. I am not exaggerating at all. I am not being the neurotic mother who wants to keep her baby in a box, ok, I do want to keep her in a box forever, but she is truly miserable. I have asked for advise and read and done everything my instincts tell me to do to make it easier for her and I have failed horribly. She cries all the time and is always saying she doesn't want to go to school. Thinking about her reacting to daycare and I burst into tears. Whether I am calming her down before bedtime, or while I shower, or sitting in the parking lot at work and I break down. I will survive and can handle all the changes but Addi needs some serious happy thoughts sent her way.

On Monday, her first day, I woke her up a little early so I was sure to take the morning slow and be able to spend a little quite time with her. I was all ready to go by 6 and from 6 am to 7:15 Dylan and I worked together to get her ready, get her belly full and get her excited for her first day of school. All our efforts were hopeless. Every task was a fight and struggle to complete. She barely ate and was protesting going to school. When we first got to school she was calm and hung up her coat and put her lunch in the fridge. I was hopeful until I kissed and hugged her and said goodbye and she started crying, that helpless baby cry that tears you apart. Her super sweet teacher held her until she stopped crying, which only lasted a few seconds. I was in the hall deciding whether or not to go scoop her up and take her back to our home and forget all about this growing up thing. She stopped crying and I left, not before stopping at the window to spy on her one last time. A long and tiring 9 and some hours later I sped the few miles to pick her up. She was bawling in the kitchen area with a different girl who was trying to calm her down. Her teacher, Jessi, leaves for the day at 4:30, and with Addi only knowing and trusting Jessi was devastated when she had to leave. After preschool, at 3:30ish all the kids play in the larger classroom while the parents trickle in to pick them up. Well, Addi was not impressed about being abandoned a second time in one day. Poor girl was hyperventilating by the time I picked her up at 5:05. I took her to a special dinner and we talked about every minute of her day. What made her upset, her new friends, her art project, what she liked and what she was excited to do tomorrow. She was excited talking about her day but was sure to stress that she did not want to go back.

She was upset most of the evening and had a hard time falling asleep. Sometime during the night she took her jammies off and woke up freezing. So she did not sleep well and 6 am comes early after a rough night. She wouldn't eat or go potty and getting her dressed was impossible. By the time I got ready and got her into the car we both were exhausted. Her second day, sad to say, was worse than the first. She broke down at school and I had to peal her off of me and place her kicking body into Miss Jessi's arms. I called the school at lunch and talked to her wonderful teacher who was completely honest and said she was having a pretty terrible day. She cried most of the morning off and on and refused to eat and had potty accidents. When I picked her up at 5 she was in someone else's clothes as she pottied her three outfits. Her lunch was barley touched and she was again crying when I picked her up due to Miss Jessi going home. Miss Jessi is so great and writes me notes about Addi's day. She mentioned in her note that she had a better afternoon. Made friends and took a really long nap. That night I made sure she went to bed extra early with the hopes that her difficulties were related to her rough night.

By this time, when Dylan or I say, "school" she has a melt down. It is no longer a word that evokes excitement or thoughts of new friends, it brings her terror and stress. As I cuddled her last night in bed she kept repeating things like, " But mom, I am upset at school because I really, really miss you." or "I don't want to go to school I just want to cuddle in bed with you tomorrow." or "Please mamma, find me a new school." or "Could I just go to work with you tomorrow?" I mean, how can any mother deny her baby these requests? Well, I can. Because a few hours later I was waking her up and forcing her to her worst nightmare. Feeling guilty is an understatement. Especially when I am sitting at work surrounded by new friends, laughing and actually enjoying my day, while my baby is huddled in a corner with tears running down her pretty little face. I know that I imagine it way worse than it ever is, but that is the image my brain creates.

So I figured today could not be worse than yesterday. The morning went great. She was cooperative and happy, even a little silly. She ate some cereal and drank some juice. I braided her hair and cuddled for a bit in the chair. As soon as I gave her the 10 minute, it is time to leave warning, she had a break down. Poor girl. It is so horrible. I feel terrible. At school she was a mess. Miss Jessi was able to quickly calm her down by talking to Addi about her new princess earrings she was wearing. But I had a knot in my stomach as I peeled myself away. I cried to work and somehow pulled myself together in my parking lot. I didn't call at lunch. Miss Jessi has enough to handle with out Addi's nervous mother calling every day. Plus, selfishly, I really didn't want to know. If it wasn't for my confidence in Jessi, Addi wouldn't have even been there the first day. I can tell she loves her job and really loves the kids. She is calm and reassuring and so gentle. Without her, this transition period would be impossible for Addi and I. When I picked her up I peeked into the larger classroom to see her whimpering on the floor, surrounded by other kids,(an improvement from on a teacher's lap) and having her back rubbed by an older girl. The older girl was making sure the littler kids didn't crowd Addi and was telling her it was ok. It was so sweet. She calmed down as soon as I had her in my arms and was excited to show me the horses her older friend drew her. So it was a better day. Jessi's note told me she was more active and enjoyed art, took a really long nap, played in the sand box and went potty well. However, she raised concern that she wasn't eating much. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do other than just give her time to adjust. She isn't gorging herself at night. So I think she has just lost her appetite for now.

She is home for the next four days and goes back to school on Monday. I think she thinks her school days are over! She doesn't want to hear the word school. Even her overhearing me talk about her day and she breaks down and says, "I just want to stay home with you." I guess I will give it a few more days....