They only thing Dylan can really say is, "We were Addi's age when we met."
Telling Dylan that his "life-long" friend had died was something I never, ever thought I would have to do. Through tears, I mumbled, "Tanner died today." It is moments like that, that I pray I never have to do again.
Tanner and Dylan - A duo that got into a lot of mischief together - hitting several baseballs though glass windows (I imagine one of them saying, "Nice hit", before running away!), jumping the hot wheels off the cement wall, lighting the shed on fire, chasing deer around on the 4-wheeler shooting them with blunt-tip arrows, riding skateboards down Gharrett Street, using cherished childhood storybooks as bases during indoor baseball, being chased upstairs by Deaette for eating all the gumballs, endless baseball roadtrips (all of which, I swear, they remembered each game and the stats from each game!) and pizza parties...a few retold memories of Tanner and Dylan growing up.
I personally am so thankful for Dylan and Tanner growing up side-by-side. I know Tanner helped to shape Dylan into the wonderful man he is today. Dylan's oldest friend is gone - taken from us way too soon.
About 4 days ago, Tanner messaged me on Facebook saying he would be living in Helena for a few months and wanted us to text him so we could get together...a message I hadn't responded to yet... What I thought was how excited Dylan would be to get to spend some time with Tanner...I was looking forward to him being here...but I hadn't told him that yet...and now it is too late...
I remember racing to the baseball fields in middle school (after stopping at the concession stand for gummy worms) to get the best spot on the bleachers to watch the shortstop - second base duo of my dreams! Dylan and Tanner were amazing to watch play together. They moved as one, as if they knew what the other was thinking - I suppose they did. Tanner loved sports and was an amazing athlete.
Whether days or years went by, this was a friendship that picked up right where you left off, as if no time had passed. Tanner was always smiling and laughing. As I quoted years ago in a page of my scrapbook, "It is always a party when Tanner is in town!" On my 21st birthday party (which is also Cinco De Mayo), Tanner and Clint showed up dressed in full Mexican attire, from the poncho to the sombrero!
The image I will carry with me is of Tanner and his young son Kaeden playing outside with a ball at Kaeden's 2nd birthday party. He was a very proud father of Kaeden and baby Tate. Thinking of those beautiful boys growing up without their daddy is tearing me apart. I pray those sweet boys remember their dad as they grow and carry him with them forever.
A few people have contacted me, concerned about Dylan. They say, you can't think about Tanner without thinking of Dylan. When I pass these thoughts and prayers onto Dylan he says, "Yah, we were inseperable for most of our childhood."
We are just devastated and so, so sorry for his family, Cheyne and his little boys, and friends. It is hard to imagine this world without Tanner in it. Our thoughts and prayers are with all who loved him. Tanner was a great friend. He will be dearly missed.
Obituary
Missoulian - initial story of the accident
the journal of a nature-loving, country-living Montana mama raising two tiny humans, vegetables, goats and chickens |:| yearning to slow time while freezing our precious life with photos & words |:| striving to live slowly, wholly, honestly and gracefully while chasing wildlife, chickens, rainbows and dreams |:| "We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand – and melting like a snowflake.” ~Marie B. Ray
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Goodbye 1st Trimester
Goodbye 1st trimester, you will not be missed. Except that I will miss you. I will miss the rush of emotion when we found out we were going to be blessed with another beautiful baby. I will miss the constant torment of nausea and exhaustion - the constant reminder that my baby was taking shape deep within me. I will NOT miss not being able to eat - No, really I will not miss this. Not having an appetite and gagging when trying to eat is horrible. I will miss how simple, normally non-offensive smells sent me running to the bathroom - popcorn, chocolate flavored coffee, lunchtime leftover re-heats, baby corn, etc - not too sure if I will really miss this either! It makes working in an office really hard. I will definetly miss Addi's sweet face asking how much longer until her baby sister gets here! I will miss Addi taking such good care of me, rubbing my forehead or back, while I am again napping or heaving over the toilet.
14 weeks pregnant:
***Disclosure: I refer to new baby as 'she'. 'It' sounds too monster-like and if we call our new baby a 'him', Addi quickly corrects us that, "The baby is not a boy, it is a girl!" We do not know the sex of our new baby and I don't think we will find out this time! If baby is a boy, he will love reading this journal, being referred to as a baby sister all the time!! Oh, poor thing is going to develop a complex before HE is born!
What baby is up to:
- Baby is a lemon! No not really a lemon, but the size of a lemon! From perfect little head to perfect little butt, she is about 3.5 inches long.
- Baby is growing lanugo, soft hairs that cover her body, protecting her fragile skin
- Baby's liver is producing bile
- Baby is very active, constantly moving, stretching, and flexing. Baby's facial reflexes are allowing her to make all sorts of funny faces. She'll need the practice to compete with Addi's silly faces!
- Baby is practicing breathing by inhaling and exhaling amniotic fluid
- Baby's arms, legs and head are just about the right proportion to her body, now she'll just be packing on the weight and growing and growing, right along with her mamma!
Pictures of a 14 weeks old fetus. Just amazing.
pics from http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/Pregnancy/calendar/week/14
What mama is up to:
- Still sleepy. I never see my husband on the days he works. By the time he gets home around 9 pm I have been sound asleep for over an hour.
- HUNGRY, HUNGRY, HIPPO! Can't get this mamma full!
- I asked to have my computer moved into the lady's room!! I spend more time in the bathroom than at my desk! I dread each time I have to shuffle down there. The bathroom is always filled with a terrible cloud of citrusy bathroom spray. Oh, yuck. It's like walking into a cloud of citrus bug fumes, it is terrible.
- I am eager to see the doctor of Friday. It took 2 full weeks for the bleeding to completely stop. I am eager to see if the radiologist found a source of bleeding. I am also eager to start exercising. Hopefully, the doctor says I am ok to do that. Addi and I have been doing really light prenatal yoga in the evenings! It is fun watching Addi all contorted and bent over in funny poses! She gets a kick out of it! "Look at me Mamma, I'm doing it!"
- Although, infrequent and almost non-existent, I am pretty sure I am able to feel baby moving. Baby feels like tiny little flutters or bubbles. Movements seem to intensify when I am lying on my left side at night. Which makes sense, because in all the ultrasounds and when my doctor tries to find the heart beat with a Doppler they always locate baby in the lower left side of my abdomen. That is where baby prefers to hang and when I squish her prefered space baby moves around more! Ok, just a theory...but it sure sounds like I know what I am talking about!
- I have been having headaches in the morning and into the afternoon.
- I crave anything salty -chips, artichokes, nuts. I love cereal of any kind and could eat it for every meal!
- Emotionally, I am feeling great. I am not a crying, blubbering mess like I was a couple weeks ago! I am a bit mood-swingy (it's a word!), but I think that has less to do with the pregnancy and more to do with that is just who I am (Dylan LOVES this about me, by the way!!!)! I am not feeling anxious or nervous. I feel relaxed and calm. It hasn't hit me yet that I will be the mother of two children! I still don't believe that I am Addi's mother! I am sure that will come in a few months! In the back of my mind is the constant nagging of having to return to work after the baby is born. I just pray so hard a solution or alternative opportunity presents itself to me. I get a little more excited each week that pasts. I am so excited to see baby and big sister together. Addi will be amazing and I cannot wait to watch them fall in love with each other and interact. I can't wait to have a sleeping infant on my chest again and I can't wait for the smell of her/his little head.
My friend Ember is having a baby shower this weekend for her 2nd baby. I am excited to see her all pregnant! I haven't seen her in months, before she was showing. With the baby shower excitement and all the baby talk I am hoping it may make my pregnancy seem a little more real!
14 weeks pregnant:
***Disclosure: I refer to new baby as 'she'. 'It' sounds too monster-like and if we call our new baby a 'him', Addi quickly corrects us that, "The baby is not a boy, it is a girl!" We do not know the sex of our new baby and I don't think we will find out this time! If baby is a boy, he will love reading this journal, being referred to as a baby sister all the time!! Oh, poor thing is going to develop a complex before HE is born!
What baby is up to:
- Baby is a lemon! No not really a lemon, but the size of a lemon! From perfect little head to perfect little butt, she is about 3.5 inches long.
- Baby is growing lanugo, soft hairs that cover her body, protecting her fragile skin
- Baby's liver is producing bile
- Baby is very active, constantly moving, stretching, and flexing. Baby's facial reflexes are allowing her to make all sorts of funny faces. She'll need the practice to compete with Addi's silly faces!
- Baby is practicing breathing by inhaling and exhaling amniotic fluid
- Baby's arms, legs and head are just about the right proportion to her body, now she'll just be packing on the weight and growing and growing, right along with her mamma!
Pictures of a 14 weeks old fetus. Just amazing.
pics from http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/Pregnancy/calendar/week/14
What mama is up to:
- Still sleepy. I never see my husband on the days he works. By the time he gets home around 9 pm I have been sound asleep for over an hour.
- HUNGRY, HUNGRY, HIPPO! Can't get this mamma full!
- I asked to have my computer moved into the lady's room!! I spend more time in the bathroom than at my desk! I dread each time I have to shuffle down there. The bathroom is always filled with a terrible cloud of citrusy bathroom spray. Oh, yuck. It's like walking into a cloud of citrus bug fumes, it is terrible.
- I am eager to see the doctor of Friday. It took 2 full weeks for the bleeding to completely stop. I am eager to see if the radiologist found a source of bleeding. I am also eager to start exercising. Hopefully, the doctor says I am ok to do that. Addi and I have been doing really light prenatal yoga in the evenings! It is fun watching Addi all contorted and bent over in funny poses! She gets a kick out of it! "Look at me Mamma, I'm doing it!"
- Although, infrequent and almost non-existent, I am pretty sure I am able to feel baby moving. Baby feels like tiny little flutters or bubbles. Movements seem to intensify when I am lying on my left side at night. Which makes sense, because in all the ultrasounds and when my doctor tries to find the heart beat with a Doppler they always locate baby in the lower left side of my abdomen. That is where baby prefers to hang and when I squish her prefered space baby moves around more! Ok, just a theory...but it sure sounds like I know what I am talking about!
- I have been having headaches in the morning and into the afternoon.
- I crave anything salty -chips, artichokes, nuts. I love cereal of any kind and could eat it for every meal!
- Emotionally, I am feeling great. I am not a crying, blubbering mess like I was a couple weeks ago! I am a bit mood-swingy (it's a word!), but I think that has less to do with the pregnancy and more to do with that is just who I am (Dylan LOVES this about me, by the way!!!)! I am not feeling anxious or nervous. I feel relaxed and calm. It hasn't hit me yet that I will be the mother of two children! I still don't believe that I am Addi's mother! I am sure that will come in a few months! In the back of my mind is the constant nagging of having to return to work after the baby is born. I just pray so hard a solution or alternative opportunity presents itself to me. I get a little more excited each week that pasts. I am so excited to see baby and big sister together. Addi will be amazing and I cannot wait to watch them fall in love with each other and interact. I can't wait to have a sleeping infant on my chest again and I can't wait for the smell of her/his little head.
My friend Ember is having a baby shower this weekend for her 2nd baby. I am excited to see her all pregnant! I haven't seen her in months, before she was showing. With the baby shower excitement and all the baby talk I am hoping it may make my pregnancy seem a little more real!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring's Promises
"It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!" ~Mark Twain
For me, spring brings promises - a of promise of re-growth and renewal. I get re-energized and re-organized. I love the first time I notice new buds on the trees and bushes and hearing the songs of the birds announcing their spring arrival! I love seeing tulips and daffodils starting to poke their way up throught the frozen dirt.
I daydream of getting my kayak wet and breaking in my new climbing harness. It needs to get warm early so I can do these things before my belly is too big! I dust off my hiking boots and make sure the camping box is stocked and ready for a spur of the moment camp trip. I daydream about BBQing and backyard fires, long days on the river and early mornings spent on the porch soaking up the sun.
Dylan on the other hand has one thought this time of year - spring fishing. When will the ice melt off the river and when is the soonest possible date he will be able to put his raft in! Addi is looking forward to the day when the grass comes back. We told her she gets to choose a big-girl, 2-wheel bike when the grass comes back! Addi also cannot wait to go shopping for new flip flops. Daily, she is asking for them! She was a little upset yesterday when daddy got to wear his Chacos and she didn't have flip flops to wear!
I think about my yearly trip to a greenhouse to pick out my flower bed flowers and tomato plants. Addi loves it too. In Salt Lake, we grew a huge pumpkin patch, strawberries, carrots, squash and two huge tomato plants. She was really into watching our garden grow. She loved walking outside and choosing tomatos for dinner.
Spring gets us talking about spring and summer trips we want to take. We are planning a road trip in May to Colorado to see our Sara and Ellie and then into Kansas to visit our dear friends, Julie, Kenton, Carley and new baby Claire. We are hoping to make a trip to the Puget Sound area to kayak with the orcas! Addi is dying to go to the beach. She talks about finding seashells and really wants to see the whales! I was hoping to go on a family vacation to Hawaii this year, but I don't think we can pull it off financially before I get too far along in my pregnancy. Next year!
For me, spring brings promises - a of promise of re-growth and renewal. I get re-energized and re-organized. I love the first time I notice new buds on the trees and bushes and hearing the songs of the birds announcing their spring arrival! I love seeing tulips and daffodils starting to poke their way up throught the frozen dirt.
I daydream of getting my kayak wet and breaking in my new climbing harness. It needs to get warm early so I can do these things before my belly is too big! I dust off my hiking boots and make sure the camping box is stocked and ready for a spur of the moment camp trip. I daydream about BBQing and backyard fires, long days on the river and early mornings spent on the porch soaking up the sun.
Dylan on the other hand has one thought this time of year - spring fishing. When will the ice melt off the river and when is the soonest possible date he will be able to put his raft in! Addi is looking forward to the day when the grass comes back. We told her she gets to choose a big-girl, 2-wheel bike when the grass comes back! Addi also cannot wait to go shopping for new flip flops. Daily, she is asking for them! She was a little upset yesterday when daddy got to wear his Chacos and she didn't have flip flops to wear!
I think about my yearly trip to a greenhouse to pick out my flower bed flowers and tomato plants. Addi loves it too. In Salt Lake, we grew a huge pumpkin patch, strawberries, carrots, squash and two huge tomato plants. She was really into watching our garden grow. She loved walking outside and choosing tomatos for dinner.
Spring gets us talking about spring and summer trips we want to take. We are planning a road trip in May to Colorado to see our Sara and Ellie and then into Kansas to visit our dear friends, Julie, Kenton, Carley and new baby Claire. We are hoping to make a trip to the Puget Sound area to kayak with the orcas! Addi is dying to go to the beach. She talks about finding seashells and really wants to see the whales! I was hoping to go on a family vacation to Hawaii this year, but I don't think we can pull it off financially before I get too far along in my pregnancy. Next year!
Moving to a new town at the beginning of fall has left this winter feeling endless. We spent most of our time cooped up inside. Helena received a lot of snow and really cold temperatures and a lot of miserable wind. Usually, Missoula is pretty mild in the winter. With little snow accumulation in the valley and below freezing temps that only last at most a couple weeks at a time, winter doesn't seem to last as long. We didn't snowshoe or ski this year. We barely got the dogs out hiking much.
This time of year I find myself reminising and shuffling through pictures from previous springs and summers, looking forward to warmer days filled with laughter, adventure and sunshine.
This time of year I find myself reminising and shuffling through pictures from previous springs and summers, looking forward to warmer days filled with laughter, adventure and sunshine.
Here a -few- of my favorite pictures from springs past.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
feed mE, feed ME, feeD ME, FeED ME, fEED ME, FEED ME
Sara got a big laugh out of my feeding schedule. I think she thought I was kidding, really I am not. I am so hungry ALL THE TIME. I cannot get full. I dream about food! I am gorging on artichokes and BBQ potatoe chips lately, can't get enough of both!
With my last pregnancy I turned into such a health nut. I tried to only eat organic fruits and veggies and milk. I would keep a list of how much veggies and fruit I ate each day. I kept a mental record of the amount of protein I was getting each day. I didn't drink one drop of caffeine - except the one day when I decided to splurge at Starbucks and the lady accidently made my de-caffe latte with caffeine. Addi didn't stop bouncing around my uterus all day! I limited the sweets and ate raw almonds and fresh cut up veggies instead! That is not the case this time. I have been so exhausted it has been a real chore keeping food in the house, let alone fresh, healthy food.
My feeding schedule:
1st breakfast at 630 am - Bowl of cereal and giant glass of milk
Perpetual snacking at work at 730 - 900 am - usually some kind of baked good
that some one brought in (I usually sneak over for 2 or 3 helpings!),
crackers, grapes, cereal bar and a large handful of peanut butter cups
2nd breakfast at 930 am - toasted bagel with cream cheese, and usually 1/2
box or so of wheat thins dunked in cream cheese
After 2nd breakfast snack at 945 am - yogurt or whatever I can dig out of my food
drawer
Lunch at noon, some sort of sandwich, a large bag of BBQ chips and some
sort of fruit
After lunch snacking 130 - 330 pm, left over chips, fruit and another
large handful of peanut butter cups, sometimes iced tea
On the way to get Addi snack at 430 pm, whatever is leftover in my lunch
bag, usually an apple
Dinner around 6 pm, whatever I can cook up before getting so crabby and nauseous
that I can't function
Before bed snack at 7 pm, a bowl or cereal or cup of frozen fruit
Occasional middle of the night snack - large glass of milk, piece of toast or bowl of cereal
With my last pregnancy I turned into such a health nut. I tried to only eat organic fruits and veggies and milk. I would keep a list of how much veggies and fruit I ate each day. I kept a mental record of the amount of protein I was getting each day. I didn't drink one drop of caffeine - except the one day when I decided to splurge at Starbucks and the lady accidently made my de-caffe latte with caffeine. Addi didn't stop bouncing around my uterus all day! I limited the sweets and ate raw almonds and fresh cut up veggies instead! That is not the case this time. I have been so exhausted it has been a real chore keeping food in the house, let alone fresh, healthy food.
My feeding schedule:
1st breakfast at 630 am - Bowl of cereal and giant glass of milk
Perpetual snacking at work at 730 - 900 am - usually some kind of baked good
that some one brought in (I usually sneak over for 2 or 3 helpings!),
crackers, grapes, cereal bar and a large handful of peanut butter cups
2nd breakfast at 930 am - toasted bagel with cream cheese, and usually 1/2
box or so of wheat thins dunked in cream cheese
After 2nd breakfast snack at 945 am - yogurt or whatever I can dig out of my food
drawer
Lunch at noon, some sort of sandwich, a large bag of BBQ chips and some
sort of fruit
After lunch snacking 130 - 330 pm, left over chips, fruit and another
large handful of peanut butter cups, sometimes iced tea
On the way to get Addi snack at 430 pm, whatever is leftover in my lunch
bag, usually an apple
Dinner around 6 pm, whatever I can cook up before getting so crabby and nauseous
that I can't function
Before bed snack at 7 pm, a bowl or cereal or cup of frozen fruit
Occasional middle of the night snack - large glass of milk, piece of toast or bowl of cereal
Monday, March 7, 2011
A Little Scare
We had a little scare this weekend. I woke up on Saturday and discovered that I had been bleeding. It wasn't a lot of blood by medical people standards (our in-house PA - Dylan), but it was enough to freak me out. Saturday evening we went to Dylan's clinic and did an ultrasound, the baby was doing great and the heart beat looked great. I bled all weekend and went first thing Monday morning to see my midwife. She was able to pick up baby's heartbeat right away with the doppler. They were also able to get me right in for an ultrasound. Baby was moving, kicking her legs and had her fist up by her little face - it looks like she is sucking her thumb! They were unable to determine a source of the bleeding. They maybe thought my placenta was torn and bleeding or possibly tearing away from the uterine wall, but they were unable to determine that. I just have to take it easy until the bleeding stops.
Baby and my uterus are growing great and right were they should be.
Our baby - 12 weeks
Sunday, March 6, 2011
More From Addison
Addi was playing in the bathtub on Saturday morning. She was hollering for me to come help wash her up. I hollered back, "I am sorry honey, but I am taking the day off!" Right away she starts hollering for dad, "Dad, can you come help me wash up my body. Mom said she is taking the day off." I wish I had it on video. It was so funny. She didn't even miss a beat.
Addi and I were playing catch with a tennis ball. She kept closing her eyes and flaling her arms when I tossed the ball to her. I said to her, "Quit acting like such a girl!!!" Addi said, " But I am a girl!"
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