Christmas 2010

Addi asked to go to the "big, pretty church" on Christmas Eve. Less than two blocks from our house is an amazing catholic cathedral. It was literally standing room only on Christmas Eve, but we were able to hear the choir from our corner in the way back. Addi spent a lot of time looking up at the murals and beautiful stained glass windows.

After church we came home and I made steak and crab legs. It was so delicious. Addi had a grilled cheese sandwich and Cheetos, because crab legs are, "too pokey." We also had sparkling juice in "fancy" glasses. I think drinking juice out of the fancy glasses was Addi's favorite part of the whole night.

On Christmas Eve night Dylan and Addi were wrapping the present Addi picked out for me. I had to wait in the bedroom because apparently I am a "peaker"! Well, I overheard Dylan reminding Addi not to tell me what my gift was and to keep it a secret! Addi ran into the bedroom and whispered, "Mamma, you got a purple coat!" It was so adorable. I said, "Aww, really!" She said, "Yah, but it's a secret so don't tell daddy!" She said, "You have to wait until Christmas Steve is over though." All day she was saying, Christmas Steve (instead of Eve!)---adorable!





Santa and our wonderful family spoiled Addi! It was so wonderful watching her open her gifts. She spends so much time with each one and is so grateful and appreciative. She said, "Oh, thank you Santa!" She opened very carefully her gifts from Aunt Sara and Ellie. She would say, "Oh, that is so nice!" When she opened her gift from Great-Aunt Moni and Great-Uncle Mike, she got so excited when she saw the American Girl box. When Addi was a year old they gave her Bitty Baby and for her birthday and for Christmas they send her Bitty Baby accessories! She has come to recognize the box. She opened new Christmas jammies for Bitty and she held them up and said, "Bitty will just love it." She was thrilled with her dress up box full of Princess dresses. She changed about every 10 minutes all day Christmas! Papa gave her a climbing helmet! She said, "Oh, good. Now I won't bang my head on the tree when I climb it!"







We were sitting in our pajamas around noon on Christmas morning. We had had a wonderful morning watching Addi open her presents. After breakfast we looked at each other and said, "Now what!" We were missing our families, so we decided to drive home! We spent Christmas night with my dad and my granny. I made a ham dinner and apple pie! The next day we were hugging Spencer! After a year in Australia he is home! We spent some time with Dylan's mom and dad before driving back to Helena. We were able to see some of their pictures from Australia and New Zealand. WOW. What an amazing part of the world. We also were able to spend some time with my mom, Mark and the kids. Mom had real food on Christmas. The first time in months. She said she could actually taste it and it tasted good! We picked up Jessica and brought her home with us. Addi's school is closed this week and she saved us by coming over and watching Addi during the day this week.






We are headed back to Missoula New Year's weekend. Kendall and Josh are also going to be visiting from Alabama. It has been almost a year since we have seen them. We are going to celebrate Christmas with the Powell clan on New Year's Eve. It will be great having us all together again! I am looking forward to it!

Addi's Christmas Program

Addi had her first Christmas Program on Thursday! I was looking forward to it all week. She has been practicing her Christmas songs for weeks! She also was looking forward to her program. When I woke her up Thursday morning she sprang up and said, "It's Christmas Program day!!" She got all dressed up in her Santa Clause Dress and was so excited to go to school.

The proud parents gathered in one of the larger classrooms, sat on the miniature kid chairs, got their cameras ready, and anxiously waited for their little ones to come out. Dylan, Ms. Jessi and I have talked how we would be really surprised if Addi actually stood in front of everyone and performed. But we were hopeful! As soon as the kids lined up outside of the classroom, she saw all the people and huddled next to Ms. Jessi and starting crying. She placed her little feet on the red line and stood next to her friends. Dylan and I were sitting directly in front of her, about 5 feet from her, but she wouldn't come to us. She stood, head down, terrified frozen. She started to lip the words a couple times, then remembered she was scared and started crying again. She gets so shy in front of large groups of people (I wonder where she gets it!!). She didn't stop crying until well into their little after party. I am impressed she stood up there and didn't run to us.

It was so sweet, her little friend Riley, is always concerned about her. She said, "It's ok Addison. Your mamma is here!"

Addison's "best friend, Kate" is the little girl near her in the silver and I think she has a little crush on the little boy, Sean! All the kids in her class are so sweet. And you all know how I feel about Ms. Jessi. She is so wonderful. She put together little gifts for each of the kids. She also had the kids make two ornaments as gifts to give to their parents. They were all wrapped up in a box with a handmade card! Addi made a little reindeer ornament and a silver, sparkling ball with their hand print and name on it. So sweet. They made cookies and brownies and after the program we had a little party and ate the treats they made!

She came home and sang her songs all night long. She knows every word and motion. No one will ever know!!

She sings, "Away in a manger...no crib for a bed. The little Lord Jesus lay down his sheep head!" Instead of sweet head!! Oh, I love it!

Question of the Day

Everyday at school Ms. Jessi asks the kids, "The question of the day." And she writes down their answers. Today's question was "What does your mom always say?" Addi's answer, "I love you."

I love the question of the day!! It gives me a little peak into Addison's wonderful, little mind! I am so happy that when she goes to do her own thing all day long she remembers that her mamma loves her!

Past questions of the day:
"Where does Santa live?" Addi - "I don't know!"
"What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?" Addi - "Pizza and chicken"

Saying Goodbye...Again

You know when you feel so sad all that is left is a numb sensation and you really aren't sure if your lack of feeling is actually feeling or an empty shell of existence. Mentally and physically you are unable to go through the pain again, so instead you go numb ...well, I hope when you read this you have no idea what I am talking about, that means you have never had to feel such emptiness and sadness...and for that, be grateful...

My family is forced to say goodbye to our Uncle Randy. When you can't possibly comprehend a state of mind so sad and lost, how do you begin to wrap your mind around understanding why he is gone and even after that, how do you find peace...



My Uncle Randy, second from left, my mom's younger brother.

Uncle Rick, Uncle Randy, Uncle Ron, Mom, Aunt Moni & Grandpa Dave (missing from picture, Aunt Becky & Uncle Roger)

pic by Madeline Smith

Uncle Randy, I hope and pray you have found the peace you were so desperately in need of. I am thankful we were able to see and spend time with you this past summer. I feel happy you were able to meet Addison.

I pray peace and healing to your family now and throughout the very difficult coming weeks and months.

Oh Christmas Tree

One of my favorite days all year is the day we get our Christmas Tree!! Today was that day and the day couldn't have been more beautiful. The sky was perfectly blue, the sun was out and the snow, literally, sparkled. Addi kept saying, "Wow, look at all the snow sparkles." We spend the day sledding, hiking and tree hunting. It was a blast for Dylan and I to try and stay on Addi's little infant sled while sledding down big, snowy hills!

Addi-isms

Dylan was helping Addi take off her snow boots after playing outside together, he picked her up by her coat and set her on the floor. Addi faked like she was upset or hurt by his gesture and said with her big pouty lip, "Look, at my hand...it's...it's...it's...it's...it's......red." Ok, maybe you had to be there, but I will remember how funny it was!!!

Most people say "yesterday". Addi says, "yester-year" or "yester-night!"

The other day Addi asked me, "How was your day?" I said, "well, thank you for asking, but it was a little bit boring today." She said, with her I understand look while nodding her head, "Yah, that happens."

Addi's Fourth Week at School

I am thrilled to report that Addison is doing really well in school. Mornings are still rough. She still cries and clings when we drop her off, but she gets over it within minutes and Ms. Jessi says she does great during the day. She is making lots of friends. She says, "My best friend is Kate." She loves project time and every day she brings home new art work for us to proudly display.

She comes home and sings songs she has learned. She plays school until she goes to bed! She imitates Ms. Jessi. It is so cute. She really likes her.

On the 16th the kids are putting on a Christmas Program! I am so excited! She comes home and practices her Christmas songs!

Miss Jessi texted me these photos of Addi throughout her day!

Eating lunch. (Addi's BFF is the girl standing behind her!)

Working on her project.

Being a turkey.

Below is a video of Addi singing a song she learned at school! Of course Addi put an Addi-spin on the song!!

Thanksgiving Celebration

I had to work the Friday after Thanksgiving, so we were unable to go home on Thanksgiving. We made plans with Dave and Em for the 1st annual "Powlund Thanksgiving" on Saturday. I had to break it softly to Dylan that we were not having a turkey dinner on Thanksgiving because I would be cooking on Saturday instead. It was like taking candy from a child, "No turkey on Thanksgiving?", he said with a big pouty lip! I did make us cinnamon rolls in the morning. However, they came with great pain! I forgot about them for a bit and forgot to set the timer. When I finally remembered them, I quickly got up from one our bars stools and stubbed my pinkie toe so hard I collapsed. It was all crooked and so sore. I couldn't stand on it. Dylan assured me that I would live!! I am not sure if I actually broke it, but it has been so sore for a week. I can barely put full weight on it and it is green and purple!

We had Thanksgiving day open, with no plans, so I volunteered us to help out at the Salvation Army Thanksgiving Dinner. It was very nice. Even giving a couple hours of yourself to simply wash dishes, take trash out and tidy up, gives you great perspective. I am so thankful we had the opportunity to volunteer our time, together as a family, to help out with a wonderful cause. Addi was totally into helping take out the trash and wash dishes! It was sweet to watch her get excited about helping out.

After work on Friday we drove home to Missoula. Scott and Jackie had Baby Liam's 1st Birthday party in Missoula on Friday. We spent the evening watching all the kids play, eat cake and throw bubbles in Marge's giant bubble bath! Jackie's boys are so sweet. I just love spending time with them.






On Saturday Dave and Dylan hunted, Emily went to work for a bit, Addi played with Papa, and I started our Thanksgiving dinner. I really enjoy cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I had the Christmas music blaring and had Em's kitchen messed up with lots of yummy food. Dylan and Dave came home early and kept me company while I finished cooking. Jake, Jodi and Christian joined us for dinner and Jared and Sara stopped by. It was a fun evening and my food was great, especially the bacon braised green beans, apple pie and hot-spiced wine!!



Christian, Jodi, Addi and I put together a gingerbread house after dinner. Well let me clarify, Addi and Christian (and Dave) ate the candy as fast as I handed it to them, and I actually made the house! Christian giggled while he chased Addi and the pugs around the house. Addi pinned him down in a classic Addi choke hold while she brushed his hair with a fork! Poor Addi, she really needs a baby brother or sister. Christian's little face said, "I am so glad I don't have a big sister!"

The turkey took affect and by 9:00 p.m we were all in bed!

On Sunday morning Dave whipped up the Dave Special, pancakes, eggs and sausage! Dylan, Addi and I visited Papa and Grandma Bobbi, Jack, Jessica, and Jaci and then we drove home. We were unable to see Grandma and Grandpa Powell because they are in Australia visiting Spencer!! We are not jealous at all!





We usually get our tree the weekend of or the weekend after Thanksgiving weekend. We were planning on getting it in Missoula but decided to wait until next weekend.

We are so thankful for great food, wonderful friends and family and a weekend full of fun!!

Happy Thanksgiving

As I pause to reflect after a busy Thanksgiving weekend, tears come to my eyes. It is so easy to get all caught up in life. It is easy to take for granted a blessed, warm, happy life. I wanted to compile a, "I am Thankful for" list.

I am Thankful for:

My precious daughter -- She is my joy and I am so thankful to be her mamma. Daily she brings me laughter and happiness. Along with bringing me joy, she also challenges me everyday. She makes me want to be the very best mother I can be!

My husband, Dylan -- I am so thankful for him. He works so hard to provide a good life for us. I am thankful for our marriage and friendship and I am thankful for the future we have together.

My family and my in-law family -- I have always been so thankful for how close we all are. We have had to overcome many things together and we are so close because of everything we have gone through. My favorite niece Ellie takes up a large part of my heart. She is so wonderful. Although I don't get to hug and kiss her everyday, I am very thankful of how close her and I are. I am so thankful for my daddy. His unconditional love, guidance, support and counseling is invaluable to me.

I am so thankful for Dylan's family. They are always so supportive and generous and I feel very lucky to apart of their family.

My friends -- You know who you are! I have the world's greatest friends and I can't imagine life without you. You complete me! Our adventures, inside jokes, traditions, talks, dinners, and parties are so important to me. I appreciate everyday the advice, support, pep-talks and guidance you all give to me. I feel very lucky to have a very special group of friends to experience the ups-and-downs of life with.

My warm home -- This one is often taken for granted by me. I am so thankful for my warm, clean, safe and comfortable home.

Our four-legged family -- More often than not our three dogs, Mason, Kya & Pug-Pug, are driving me crazy, but when I need unconditional love and cuddling they are always there for me! This list includes Molly and Gordy Englund -- our sweet, wonderful God-Dog (I have appointed us as their God-parents!) pits!

Christmas music and cheezy Christmas movies -- Few things make me as happy as Christmas music and movies this time of year!

My Freedom -- America isn't perfect, but I am so thankful to be American. I can pursue my dreams, hike pristine mountains, love my Jesus, raise my family the way I want to, and I am able to support and defend what is important to me. I feel protected, safe and fortunate.

Mom Update #8

I finally have some up beat, optimistic news to report on my mom's cancer. By December 1st of this year she should be all finished with radiation and chemo and by Christmas she should thinks she will be healed and feeling better. They told her after the 1st of the year they will do a body scan to see if they sapped it all gone.

Early this month the doctors took her off all radiation and chemo because her white blood counts were really low. They wanted to give her body a little rest. She is back on both now and tired and run down again. She is still on a feeding tube, getting all her nutrition from a baby formula looking substance that she feeds to herself through a tube in her belly.

It has been a long few months for me, full of worry and uncertainty. I don't want to even pretend to imagine the emotional and physical drain it has put on my mom...but maybe the light we see is the light at the end of this cancer tunnel.

Addi's Second Week

Addi's second week in "school" was better than the first, however, we aren't quite fully adjusted yet. She still whimpers and fusses when I drop her off and is crying when I pick her up. The end of the day is hard on her. Watching other mothers picking up their kids bothers her. Her teacher says her days are better. She is interacting, playing, napping, going potty, eating lunch, and participating with other kids. She comes home and plays school. She is adorable and pretends she is Miss Jessi. She has us sit on the reading rug and reads us a story. She holds the book out so we can see the pages and very exaggeratively licks her index finger and turns the page. It is so adorable. I am happy to report she is improving, slowly.

I am really enjoying my job. There is a lot to learn, but I am catching on pretty quickly. The job will be really rewarding, when people aren't sobbing or yelling. The people I work with are so great. They are a lot of fun. We are done training in a week or so and we will move into our own work spaces the first week of December. I am adjusting to being back to work full time pretty well, with the exception of worrying all day about my Addison. I am happy to be back at work and am excited to start saving some money and paying down our student loans!

I included a couple cute pics of Addison dressing up like me! She said, "Look, I am mamma!"

Something sweet from Addi...

On the way home from school last night Addi said, "Mommy, I told my teacher something." I thought, "Uh-oh, oh, great!" "I told her we are going to have a baby brother." I said, "oh, ok. Why did you tell her that?" She said, "Because I just really, really want one." I said, "Well that is something we should start talking about." Addi said, " I know, I need to talk to daddy about it."

At school yesterday the kids drew pictures of what they are thankful for and on the bottom of Addi's scribbles it said, "I am thankful for my mommy." Gosh, that made me feel so amazing!!

My MISERABLE little girl

I never thought I would have to see my Addi in so much turmoil. I really thought I would protect her from all pain, at least when she was still so little and vulnerable. The past three days have been so absolutely heart breaking I would wish it on nobody. The transition into daycare has been exactly what I prayed wouldn't happen. My happy, bubbly, giggling baby has transformed into a depressed, stressed, anxious person whom I do not recognize. I am not exaggerating at all. I am not being the neurotic mother who wants to keep her baby in a box, ok, I do want to keep her in a box forever, but she is truly miserable. I have asked for advise and read and done everything my instincts tell me to do to make it easier for her and I have failed horribly. She cries all the time and is always saying she doesn't want to go to school. Thinking about her reacting to daycare and I burst into tears. Whether I am calming her down before bedtime, or while I shower, or sitting in the parking lot at work and I break down. I will survive and can handle all the changes but Addi needs some serious happy thoughts sent her way.

On Monday, her first day, I woke her up a little early so I was sure to take the morning slow and be able to spend a little quite time with her. I was all ready to go by 6 and from 6 am to 7:15 Dylan and I worked together to get her ready, get her belly full and get her excited for her first day of school. All our efforts were hopeless. Every task was a fight and struggle to complete. She barely ate and was protesting going to school. When we first got to school she was calm and hung up her coat and put her lunch in the fridge. I was hopeful until I kissed and hugged her and said goodbye and she started crying, that helpless baby cry that tears you apart. Her super sweet teacher held her until she stopped crying, which only lasted a few seconds. I was in the hall deciding whether or not to go scoop her up and take her back to our home and forget all about this growing up thing. She stopped crying and I left, not before stopping at the window to spy on her one last time. A long and tiring 9 and some hours later I sped the few miles to pick her up. She was bawling in the kitchen area with a different girl who was trying to calm her down. Her teacher, Jessi, leaves for the day at 4:30, and with Addi only knowing and trusting Jessi was devastated when she had to leave. After preschool, at 3:30ish all the kids play in the larger classroom while the parents trickle in to pick them up. Well, Addi was not impressed about being abandoned a second time in one day. Poor girl was hyperventilating by the time I picked her up at 5:05. I took her to a special dinner and we talked about every minute of her day. What made her upset, her new friends, her art project, what she liked and what she was excited to do tomorrow. She was excited talking about her day but was sure to stress that she did not want to go back.

She was upset most of the evening and had a hard time falling asleep. Sometime during the night she took her jammies off and woke up freezing. So she did not sleep well and 6 am comes early after a rough night. She wouldn't eat or go potty and getting her dressed was impossible. By the time I got ready and got her into the car we both were exhausted. Her second day, sad to say, was worse than the first. She broke down at school and I had to peal her off of me and place her kicking body into Miss Jessi's arms. I called the school at lunch and talked to her wonderful teacher who was completely honest and said she was having a pretty terrible day. She cried most of the morning off and on and refused to eat and had potty accidents. When I picked her up at 5 she was in someone else's clothes as she pottied her three outfits. Her lunch was barley touched and she was again crying when I picked her up due to Miss Jessi going home. Miss Jessi is so great and writes me notes about Addi's day. She mentioned in her note that she had a better afternoon. Made friends and took a really long nap. That night I made sure she went to bed extra early with the hopes that her difficulties were related to her rough night.

By this time, when Dylan or I say, "school" she has a melt down. It is no longer a word that evokes excitement or thoughts of new friends, it brings her terror and stress. As I cuddled her last night in bed she kept repeating things like, " But mom, I am upset at school because I really, really miss you." or "I don't want to go to school I just want to cuddle in bed with you tomorrow." or "Please mamma, find me a new school." or "Could I just go to work with you tomorrow?" I mean, how can any mother deny her baby these requests? Well, I can. Because a few hours later I was waking her up and forcing her to her worst nightmare. Feeling guilty is an understatement. Especially when I am sitting at work surrounded by new friends, laughing and actually enjoying my day, while my baby is huddled in a corner with tears running down her pretty little face. I know that I imagine it way worse than it ever is, but that is the image my brain creates.

So I figured today could not be worse than yesterday. The morning went great. She was cooperative and happy, even a little silly. She ate some cereal and drank some juice. I braided her hair and cuddled for a bit in the chair. As soon as I gave her the 10 minute, it is time to leave warning, she had a break down. Poor girl. It is so horrible. I feel terrible. At school she was a mess. Miss Jessi was able to quickly calm her down by talking to Addi about her new princess earrings she was wearing. But I had a knot in my stomach as I peeled myself away. I cried to work and somehow pulled myself together in my parking lot. I didn't call at lunch. Miss Jessi has enough to handle with out Addi's nervous mother calling every day. Plus, selfishly, I really didn't want to know. If it wasn't for my confidence in Jessi, Addi wouldn't have even been there the first day. I can tell she loves her job and really loves the kids. She is calm and reassuring and so gentle. Without her, this transition period would be impossible for Addi and I. When I picked her up I peeked into the larger classroom to see her whimpering on the floor, surrounded by other kids,(an improvement from on a teacher's lap) and having her back rubbed by an older girl. The older girl was making sure the littler kids didn't crowd Addi and was telling her it was ok. It was so sweet. She calmed down as soon as I had her in my arms and was excited to show me the horses her older friend drew her. So it was a better day. Jessi's note told me she was more active and enjoyed art, took a really long nap, played in the sand box and went potty well. However, she raised concern that she wasn't eating much. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do other than just give her time to adjust. She isn't gorging herself at night. So I think she has just lost her appetite for now.

She is home for the next four days and goes back to school on Monday. I think she thinks her school days are over! She doesn't want to hear the word school. Even her overhearing me talk about her day and she breaks down and says, "I just want to stay home with you." I guess I will give it a few more days....

Happy 3rd Birthday Addison Jo

It is so hard for me to believe that Addison has been in our lives for three years. Happy Birthday to my angel, my wonderful daughter, my joy.

On her birthday morning we woke her up with a ton of balloons on her bed and on her bedroom floor. We had a birthday song blaring from the computer. She blinked her eyes open to see her crazy parents leaning over her singing and dancing! She wandered into the living room and for several minutes did not notice the pile of birthday presents! Once she finally saw them she didn't know what to say!

We made breakfast, opened presents and got ready for our trip to the hot springs.



We had her birthday party back in Missoula the following weekend. The night before her party Grandma Deaette put together a wonderful cookie bake. Addi loves this tradition as much as Grandma does! We had a great time decorating and laughing. Dylan and I got into a small frosting fight! He still hasn't fully forgiven me, but I had fun! I will get the picture from Deaette, it is pretty hilarious. Mahkiah, Great Grandma Ella, Aunt Pam, and Kennedy joined us. We had a blast. Addi and Mahkiah ate their cookies as fast as they decorated them!




She picked a Disney Princess party. She also picked out a Princess ice cream cake with strawberry ice cream and vanilla cake. It was a small, intimate party, compared to last year. Addi is blessed to have three great-grandparents in her life; Grandpa Dave, Granny and Grandma Ella, were all there to celebrate with us. Papa, Grandma Bobbi and Grandpa Mark, Uncle Jack, Aunt Jessica, Aunt Jaci, Grandma and Grandpa Deaette, Aunt Shelly and Roz, Aunt Pam, Auntie Em, and Ember, Neil and Ella all joined us for cake and ice cream. It was wonderful. Addi loved opening her presents and her birthday cards meant just as much to her. She would take the time to open and read each one! She is so much fun to spoil with gifts because she truly appreciates each and every one. She says, "Oh, I just love it!" When we sang Happy Birthday to her and when she blew out her candles she needed Grandma Deaette to cuddle her. She got a little bashful.












After her party we packed up and went to Dave and Em's house for the night. We spent the evening watching Addi's new birthday movies and of course, eating!!