2011 - A Year of Emotion

I have dubbed 2011 as the Year Of Emotion. We experienced so many ups and downs this year.  We experienced complete elation only to be brought down to have our hearts breaking into a million pieces.

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Just as 2011 was beginning we found out we were pregnant! To say the least we were over the moon excited. We were not expecting to be pregnant so soon after deciding to start 'trying'.  I was very sick right away and as my pregnancy progressed I only got sicker, oh and bigger. 

In May at only 20 weeks pregnant we received some very heart breaking news - Landon was not completely healthy. In fact his life was at stake as Hydrops Fetalis had taken over our son's small, undeveloped body.  We were pretty much told at 26 weeks that we needed to either deliver him and see what happens or leave him in and see what happens --- in not so many words, we were waiting for our baby to die. I went through several tests to find out exactly what was wrong with Landon, myself and what was causing it all - an amniocentesis, ultrasound after ultrasound, an echocardiogram, a Holter monitor test, blood test after blood test after blood test. I ended up in the ER after discovering a cyst which turned into a very scary blacking out episode. For several weeks we had weekly appointments in Great Falls to monitor the fluid in Landon and his heart function. We never determined why this happened and it really didn't matter. In those 10 weeks Landon did not get worse, in fact each week he got a little better. All we could do was carefully monitor Landon so we knew the moment when his body could no longer sustain itself. At that point we knew we had to get him out and pray to God that He would save him.

In May, a few days after the initial ultrasound Dylan, Addi and I went on our planned vacation to San Diego. As we waited for the initial tests results our doctor said there was nothing to do but wait and going on a vacation would bring no additional danger to Landon. It was great to get away and we all definetly needed some fun in the sun. I was always thinking about our baby and if he was okay. At this point we had no information other than there was some fluid where there shouldn't be. It was all I could do to keep from googling it. I am glad I didn't. Knowing then what I know now about what we were facing would have certainly ruined our trip. 

We had such a great time.  It was Addison's first time to the ocean. She loved running from the waves and playing in the sand, picking out fancy restaurants and exploring the tide pools. We went to Sea World. I will never forget Addison's face when she saw the orcas for the first time! We will always remember Addi feeding the dolphins and trying to touch them as they swam by her. I will also never forget Dylan's face as he retold and retold the story of how he caught a 100 pound blue shark on a fly rod! We had a wonderful time together as a family.

Due to Landon's condition both he and I got really big really early. A couple weeks before we delivered I was so huge. Looking back I do not know how I walked without tipping over and I still had 2 and 1/2 months to grow! I got so many looks and comments. "Wow you must be due any day" "Wow how many babies are in there!" I loved watching peoples faces when I would say, "Only one little boy and I still have 2 months left!

Me and Landon, July 4th, 2011.

July 15th was the most devastating day of the year. Landon was born on this day. I experienced so many varieties of fear. I feared for my baby son's life. Minutes before they wheeled me into the operating room Landon's doctor asked our family to leave my room as she very clearly explained to Dylan and I what Landon would be facing - she said he had a 3% chance of living through the day. I feared pain. I never wanted Landon to have any pain. I could no longer protect him, he was in the hands of his doctors and nurses and I knew he would experience pain. I feared for myself. I was terrified during my C-Section. Again I feared pain and I feared seeing my son dead. This whole day I held my breath, waiting for the news that he did not make it. I feared for Addison. I knew she was scared and had no real idea of what was happening. All she knew was her baby brother was very sick. I was haunted by tiny, white caskets. I feared that horrible day of choosing one for Landon.

Landon on his birthday.

Landon lived through his first day. He lived through his first week. Five short months later Landon is strong, healthy and perfectly sweet.

On September 1st, after 49 days (6 1/2 weeks) in the NICU we brought Landon home. We could finally breath. It was unbelievably wonderful to all be home together as a family. Landon was on home oxygen for about a month. During this time he had an eye exam, ear exam and we saw a lung specialist. He received a clean bill of health and we were encouraged to treat him like any other newborn. From the moment we brought him home he thrived and continues to do very well. We have started signing words with him and he has started eating bananas and rice cereal. When he does something new or reaches a milestone my heart expands a little. I am so proud of him. He is so strong and is a beautiful little boy.

Much of our year we spent in doctor's offices or I was sick on the couch. We did find some time to get outside and play. Dylan fished whenever possible, although we never did get out on our raft. We made it to the lake cabin a few times and went on some short hikes. In September Dylan celebrated his year anniversary at the urgent care. Out of PA school and working for a whole year! He still enjoys work very much. In July we moved a couple miles out of Helena into a new rental house. We really like it. We will see if we can make it a whole year before we move again! Addison stopped going to preschool when Landon was born. We decided to not send her back when we brought Landon home. We didn't want all those kiddos' germs coming home with Addi. She really misses her teacher and her friends. After flu and RSV season I hope to enroll her in another preschool. Addi is a very wonderfully sassy four going on 13 year old!

She loves dressing up, putting on makeup, singing, baking and dancing around in high heels. She is excited to put our new climbing rope to good use and she is anxious to start ballet. She loves spending time with her grandparents. She has been learning to cast a fly rod with Daddy and is actually very good at it! She has been talking about learning to ride horses, play hockey and she likes her picture taken when she is "basketballing" with Daddy! She keeps us on our toes as she is already smarter than us! I am able to stay home and I absolutely love every minute of it. I am looking forward to a very boring, uneventful year!

As I was writing this reflection I re-read my posts from the past year and all the wonderful comments. Wow. The support, the prayer, the raw selflessness from so many people. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughtful prayers. They truly mean so much to Dylan and I. Happy New Year!