5 pounds

Landon is now 3 weeks old and 34 week gestation. He continues to do well. His biggest job now is to grow and grow.

- The big news of today....Landon reached a huge NICU milestone...he now weighs exactly 5 pounds!!

- They will continue to increase the amount of breast milk he receives by 3 ml every 12 hours. He is now receiving over 20 ml every 3 hours (30 ml = 1 oz). Once he reaches 40 ml he will be considered full feeding and will no longer need the IV nutrients! He should reach this huge milestone in 2 days. They will leave the PIC line in for another day or two and give him clear fluids and then take out the PIC line!! Such great news!

- Another HUGE milestone from today...I nursed Landon for the first time! He did quite well for a first timer! He was very interested and knew what to do. He did suck several times and probably tasted several drops of my milk! It felt wonderful to have him so close.

- We still cannot estimate when he might come home. It still depends on his oxygen dependence and learning to eat.

Landon's Teddy watching over him.
A friend to measure him by.

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NICU life does not get easier with time. The past few days have been very difficult and frustrating for me. I am still very emotional over our situation. It is so hard holding my baby with someone constantly looking over my shoulder. It is hard getting to know your baby at the scheduled hands-on holding times. It is frustrating trying to talk to my baby with the constant nagging of the monitors going off and other babies crying. It is difficult because I know how well he is doing, but he still isn't out of the woods yet. He still is somewhat dependent on the oxygen being delivered through his nose and he still is dependent on his feeding tube. Waiting is difficult. Watching him through his plastic box is difficult. I know...give the kid a break. He has only been in this world 3 short weeks. In those 3 weeks he has overcome so much. It is a miracle he has made it this far. I know all of this. But when a group of complete strangers has to tell you how your baby is peeing and eating and breathing and what his personality is like and the best ways to soothe him...it is too much for me at times. His mother should know these things. I feel like a member of the audience in my son's life. A mother needs to be able to pick up her child and console him when he cries, feed him when he is hungry, clean and bath him, talk and sing to him. It isn't about me, it is about Landon growing and coming home. It just gets so hard at times to not be the one caring for him.

Last week I returned to Helena to work. They are allowing me to work Monday, Tuesday and a half day on Wednesday for a few weeks. They will allow me to work part time for a bit to be able to be in Missoula with Landon for the majority of the week and working the 20 hours per week allows me to keep my insurance. I am grateful for this, but being so far away from him is also hard. Last week I texted my friend, Jessi, when being so far away all of a sudden felt impossible. She has experienced NICU life way more intensely than we will. Her son Jack was born at 23 weeks and I knew Jessi would have the words to help get me through. Jessi said to me, "God is holding Landon when you cannot." I know these simple words will carry me through the rest of this roller coaster. I encourage all to read Jack's incredible story. I think it will change the way you look at a lot of things in your life.

Jessi and Aleta also gave me the most beautiful necklace. It is so simple, yet so powerful. The message reads, "You are worth it all." I often repeat that to myself when everything seems overwhelming.
Dylan is doing OK, I guess. I haven't seem him in several days. This past week he had only one day off that he was able to see Landon. It is difficult having our lives divided between two cities.

Addison has adapted to her new schedule free, chaotic life. She is in love with her little brother. She is so sweet. Yesterday she was sitting with me while I was holding Landon. She was talking really softly to him. He was wide awake. She was telling him that, "Big sister is here. Big sister loves you." She was holding his hand and stroking his face. He really responds to her voice. It is amazing to watch.