Battling For His Life - 26 weeks

The safest place in the world for a baby is in his mother's womb. As a mother, keeping my baby safe and away from harm is the most important thing to me in the world. This week, these realities were taken from me. I was told that my baby was no longer safe in my womb and that there really is nothing I can do to keep my baby away from harm, pain and ultimately death.

On Wednesday June 15th, Dylan and I drove to Great Falls to see our Perinatologist. We were anticipating a normal check up. We had it in our minds that baby was doing better and remaining strong and we had relaxed a little bit about his health. I guess we had some sense of false encouragement that the Echo Virus I had, that had most likely caused the ascites (fluid in abdomen) in our baby was still there, but the baby would probably be ok. After the ultrasound Dr. Key came into our room and began to dissect what he saw in the ultrasound, what it meant and what we needed to do. For the most part this whole day is a huge blur. The only clear thing I remember Dr. Key saying is, " We need to get you admitted to the hospital. The next 72 hours we will give you steroids and then on Sunday we need to deliver your baby." I was blind-sided. I made him repeat what he said and then I collapsed into Dylan's shoulder, confused and completely heart-broken. We were given these two options and were told we needed to make a decision quickly: 1. Deliver baby ASAP and intensively intervene to try and save him or 2. Leave him in, see what happens - basically allow him to die in peace. We were told either way our baby had less than 10% chance of surviving. Our baby was under too much stress and his tiny little body and heart could not accommodate it for much longer.

Since the last time were in Great Falls, about a month ago, unknown to us or our doctor, our baby's condition had become a lot worse. There was more fluid in his abdomen, a lot more. His heart was working really hard to accommodate the fluid. He now had fluid or swelling in the skin around his brain and some limbs. He has Non - Immune Hydrops. A fetal death sentence. His femur and skull measurements reveal a 26 week old baby. His abdomen measurement is the size of a 39 week old baby. His abdomen is grotesquely huge compared to the rest of him.

Dylan and I went to the hospital. They hooked me and baby up to the heart monitor and monitored exactly what his heart was up to for about 2 hours. When Dr. Key came back he was encouraged by the baby's heart rate. He said he was expecting a near flat line but that is not what he saw. The baby's heart was working really hard, but was remaining strong at this point. Dr. Key decided to give me a dose of steroids, send a dose home for Dylan to give me in 24 hours and then have me come back on Friday. Because his heart appeared to be remaining strong and appeared to be managing the stress, the doctor felt we could wait a couple extra days before deciding whether or not we would deliver him.

We some how made it through the next two days, praying and talking - deciding the fate of our unborn baby. Deaette stayed with us. Thank God for her. She took care of us and took care of Addi while Dylan and I's world was crashing around us.

The drive back to Great Falls on Friday morning was horrible. We both cried for most of it. Baby had stopped moving. Normally he is very active, bouncing around all day long. But on Friday he had gone silent. Nothing I did would wake him up. I laid on the ultrasound table and muttered to Karen, the ultrasound tech, that he wasn't moving anymore. Dylan and I both thought we would be told that our baby had died. Karen immediately found his heart and it was beating. After she did a quick scan Dr. Key came into the room and he was smiling, almost giddy. He said he couldn't believe it but the amount of fluid in his abdomen had decreased a little and baby's right-sided, tricuspid heart function wasn't working as hard as it was couple days ago. Baby had improved a little. Dr. Key said it could have been the steroids that took some pressure off his heart.

We weren't sure what to say or think. He seemed a little better, not out of the woods by any means, but he didn't get worse. We monitored baby's heart rate again and although it isn't what a "normal" fetal heart rate looks like, it is better than the doctor anticipated, considering all the stress he is under. We were told to come back on Monday to check on him again.

We made the drive again on Monday and we got another positive report. Less fluid and less heart strain. Dr. Key just shook his head, smiling. "It has to be an answer to prayer.", he said. His heart rate was remaining stable, not perfect, but stable.

Our next move is to go back to Great Falls on Thursday. I will be getting more steroids. There really is no way of knowing if they are the reason for the improvements, but they are a powerful drug, capable of helping his heart as well as his lungs.

A day-to-day battle for all of us. All we can hope for is that he continues to improve and that his heart remains strong. The sense of urgency to get him out has subsided for now. He doesn't appear to be dying. He is strong and active. Dr. Key said as long as we continue to see improvements we can go to monitoring once per week.

It will be an impossibly long process. We still have 13 weeks until his due date. Emotionally we are wiped out. Physically, we are exhausted. My body, I am sure is working over time trying to care for a sick baby. I feel drained. Some days I just cry tears of frustration, exhaustion and pure hoplessness. I feel like I do not have one more ounce of energy to give. Unfortunately, all I can do for my little man is continue to eat well and rest. The feeling of helplessness is unbearable. The true battle is taking place in him and his outcome is in God's hands.