Baby Update

We saw Dr. Key in Great Falls yesterday. I must first say Dr. Key and his entire staff lived up to their reputation. They are so caring, kind, honest, patient, compassionate and brillant. I feel so lucky to have these people helping us and our baby.

Our baby has fluid in the abdominal cavity, a lot of fluid. What this means we still don’t know. Dr. Key did another ultrasound, an amniocentesis and more blood tests. We are trying to rule out any viruses that me or the baby may have and also rule out any chromosomal defects that may have caused the fluid. For now that is really all we know.

Our baby could die any day, baby could be born with a huge list of very serious problems, or I could deliver normally and the baby could be completely normal. Because we don’t know what caused or is causing the fluid we can’t predict an outcome.

Besides the fluid, baby looks developmentally normal. All baby’s other parts are normal and functioning normally. There is no fluid around the heart or in the brain which is really positive.

We will have some preliminary results from the amnio on Friday.

I will be spending a day every few weeks in Great Falls getting an ultrasound and monitoring the fluid and any changes in baby. It will be a slow process as we try to rule out possible causes and hopefully find a reason for the fluid and what we can do to fix it.

For now all we can do is pray. We can't fix anything at this point. There is no medication or treatment that we can do to help. We can just hope baby remains strong and what ever is causing the fluid fixes itself.

Ultrasound Scare

Any time we get to peer into the world of our unborn baby it is a happy, special day. It is truly special having this amazing technology that allows us access into his world. We are able to count his fingers and toes, watch him yawn, roll and move. During our forty minute ultrasound last week we got to see a lot of baby - more than I cared to know. Ignorance is in fact bliss. We asked to not find out the sex of baby (yahoo, I was strong) but I have a pretty strong feeling that he is a he! The ultrasound pictures are just too clear even for the untrained eye! Or it could be me making stuff up!! We will know in a few months!

As as I laid back gazing at my baby, Dylan had the task of wrangling our little monster. Addi was not into watching baby pictures this time and was bouncing off the walls. She was almost impossible to control - nap time, a small enclosure and an empty belly will do that do a 3 year old pretty quickly.

The ultrasound tech seemed really great. She talked us though what we were seeing and even tried engaging Addison. Something didn't seem quite right though. She would go silent and then scan back to the baby's brain and abdomen, re-measure and then move on to another part of baby only to return to the brain and abdomen. When she made up a lame excuse to leave the room I just knew she saw something she didn't like. She assured us the radiologist and our doctor would review the pictures and call us with the results. I hadn't been back at work for 10 minutes when I got a phone call from my midwife. My heart sank and I just knew there was something wrong. I tried to keep it together as she explained they had found extra abdominal fluid in the baby. What it meant she couldn't tell me. She asked me to come back into the office for blood work to rule out any viruses that I may have transmitted to our baby. We met with the doctor and he tried explaining to us what abdominal fluid in the baby meant, what causes it and how do we fix it. Because we don't know for sure the extent of the problem we were left hanging without much information. It could be viral related, a chromosome defect, rH blood related, heart related or a hand full of other things. The waiting game is torture. I hate not knowing.

They took several large viles of blood and tested it for herpes, parvovirus, rubella and several other rare viruses. They also checked my antibodies for anything abnormal. These blood tests have since come back negative. I am not sure if that is good or not. As Dylan said, "Anytime they can rule something out that is a positive."

It is hard not to panic. We just don't know anything yet. It could be very serious for our baby or it could turn out to be nothing. We just don't know. Our next move is this Wednesday. We have an appointment to meet with Dr. Keys, a perinatalogist specialist in Great Falls. He will be doing a level two ultrasound and we will go from there. It is possible I would need an amniocentesis for further testing. I am not even going to go into what I found on Google. It is too scary and I am trying to remain hopeful that the first ultrasound was a fluke and this next ultrasound will find nothing. We will know more on Wednesday.

Twenty Down, 20 To Go

My pregnancy is half way done already. In 20 short weeks we will be holding our baby in our arms!



What is mamma up to?
On Sunday, while I was in the tub, I was able to see for the first time the baby moving. Dylan was also able to see baby moving! Addi was upset because she did not get to see it. She was too impatient to stare at the belly long enough! Baby is moving regularly and movements are stronger and feel more deliberate.

When I am not infected with whatever bug Dylan and Addi bring home, I feel great. I have extra energy and I am able to stay awake past 8 pm! This week I have come down with a terrible cough and my chest and lungs hurt really bad. Addi is back on antibiotics for a ear infection. Poor girl had a rough weekend being sick, coughing and feeling crummy.

I am starting to get really uncomfortable--already. I have gained 17 pounds and at my belly button I am 35 inches round! Getting out of bed and putting on socks and shoes is noticeably more difficult now.

We are trying to come up with a baby boy name. We are pretty set on a girl name, but boy's names are hard for us! Addi and I regularly read through the baby name book and I will ask her what names she likes. She says, "I don't like any boy names, only girl names." For a girl, Addi likes Angel and Alexis and of course, Addison Jo!

I don't have a feeling as to what the sex of the baby is. I always felt that Addi would be a girl. I don't know if that was mamma's intuition or if it was wishful thinking, I really wanted her to be a girl! On Easter Granny guessed it is a boy, based on the way I am carrying it! She said I am carrying high, which to Granny means boy. I feel like I am carrying the same as with Addi. Only time will tell!

Our exciting 20 week ultrasound is this morning! I am so excited to see baby's little face! We could find out the sex of the baby if we wanted to. I am standing firm with not wanting to find out. Dylan still wants to. We haven't made a final decision yet. Not knowing is driving Papa and Auntie Sara crazy! That is part of my motivation to not find out! Just to make them wait!!

What is baby up to?
Baby's length is about 10 inches, from head to toes. About the length of a banana.


Baby's main duty right now is to fatten up! Baby is busy growing hair on her head, eyelashes and eyebrows, swallowing and moving. Baby startles to loud noices and can hear us when we talk or read to baby. Addi enjoys including baby during bed time story!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Holding on tight to my 20s! One more year before I cross over to the "other side"! Eeek...30 sounds so scary! It seems impossible to be thinking I have one more year before I am 30...wowza!

My day was great, even the 9 hours at work! My work friends decorated my cubey with birthday signs, accompanied me for birthday nachos and treated me to a birthday cookie at the bakery!

Dylan was able to get off work at 5 pm. Addi and Dylan gave me the sun hat I wanted!! I was so surprised because Dylan told me he hadn't ordered it in time! They also surprised me with a new T.V for our bedroom!

We took our celebration to the Silver Star Restaurant for an amazing meal. I, of course, had crab legs! Whenever we are out to splurge that is what I order. There are no words to describe how delicious they were! Dylan had an amazing tenderloin and Addi had the mac n' cheese! I was given a birthday brownie sundae by our waitress! Addi about killed Dylan and I with one of her little jokes! We have an inside family joke about food and sharing it! We are Powell's and eating in our house is a competitive sport. Addi was sitting on Dylan's lap eating the brownie and Dylan said, "Give me some." Addi stopped eating, looked up at Dylan and very sarcastically said, "Addi doesn't share cake!" Addi delivered it flawlessly. It was the funniest thing I have heard in a long time!! She was very proud of herself!!

I had a wonderful evening and I feel very blessed.

How Sweet She Is

Addison was in the bath tub the other night. Some days she just insists on doing it all by herself! I came in to check her progress and she said, "I am done. I washed my hair, my body and my privates all by myself." I said, "Ok, great. I guess you don't need your mamma anymore!" She looked at me kind of funny. I winked at her and said, "Is there anything you still need your mamma for?" She looked up at me after thinking for a while and said, "I need you to wrap towels around me and I need you to make me happy."





There are not words poweful enough to express how much I love this girl!





My friend Elizabeth was in town we had gone out to eat and then went to Maurices. Addi and I were sitting outside a dressing room waiting for Elizabeth to model for us. I asked Addi if she ate enough at dinner. She asked me to check by poking her tummy. Every since she was tiny I would poke her belly to check if she was full. She has always thought it is so hysterical! I said, "Look at my belly. I think I am full, full of baby!" She poked my belly and said, "Yah, you are full. You eat too much!"

Addison's Tragedy

Addison was excitedly wearing shorts and flip flops yesterday - the first spring-like day we've had in Helena. The three of us we were sitting outside soaking up the sun. She had gone inside to get something and came bounding back outside only to trip on her flip flop and fall off the bottom step, sliding to a stop on the concrete - flat on her belly, scrapping her hands and knees. All we could do was watch it happen. Poor thing was in so much pain. I remember the trauma from childhood skinned knees and many softball skinned knees how bad they sting. They get almost immediatley stiff and sore. BUT OH MY GOODNESS!! By her reaction you would have thought someone was chopping off her legs or her world was literally ending. Yes, it looked painful and seeing blood on her knees was, I am sure, scary. But the kid sent herself into the most dramatic outpouring of emotion I have ever seen. We comforted her for a long, long time and still she carried on and on! Through her blubbering she swore off wearing shorts ever again! We tried to distract her by "walking it off". Not even taking her to see go see her favorite neighborhood dog helped, she had to be carried the whole way. She refused to walk! She stood up all bent over like an elderly person and starting bawling, saying she couldn't walk! We took her inside and turned on one of her favorite shows to calm her down. We tried talking her into putting a cool rag on it or some Neosporin to make her knees feel better. She wouldn't have it! A half and hour later we talked her into finally getting off the chair to eat dinner and to get ready for swim lessons. She waddled around the house all bent over like an elderly person with hip problems! She walked like that all night!! At bath time I had to wash her body and hair while keeping all water and soap off her knees! It was quite the venture!!

And then first thing this morning she said, "Oh, my owies are still there. They probably will be there until vacation! But my hands are ok now." Try to picture a classic movie actress, all distraught with the back of her hand pressed against her forehead -- that is my Addi! She definitely wins the Academy Award with this episode!! She got dressed in capris, that had to be rolled up so the cuffs were not touching her knees! I think it has very little to do with the pants rubbing on her knees and everything to do with Addi wanting sympathy from her teacher and friends at school!!

We went out for frozen yogurt to help ease the trauma!

If she ever recovers from her double skinned knees I will be sure to blog about it!

Easter Weekend

Despite the nasty cold I came down with late in the week, Easter weekend was a blast! The sun was out and the bright, blue sky was a welcomed sight. We got into Missoula on Friday afternoon and Dylan spent the day in a asthma lecture for his continuing education credits.

Addi and I spent a low key day at Papa's due to me being sick. I tried to sleep, but Addi had a different agenda! She was too jazzed to be at Papa's to rest with her sick 'ol mom! When Dylan's class was over we went to the mall so Addi could see the Easter Bunny. She wouldn't go see him, but she gave him a nice long stare down! She'll probably be 12 before we get a picture of her on Santa or the Easter Bunny's lap!

We spent Friday evening at Dave and Em's house, had dinner and went to bed early. Dylan, Dave and Em headed to Brown's Lake on Saturday morning for a day of fishing. Addi and I started our day shopping at Wal-Mart with Papa. Myself and the rest of Missoula had put off their Easter shopping until the last moment, it was complete chaos! After that fun time, we met up with Scott, Jackie and their boys at the University of Montana Oval for an Easter Egg hunt! Addi wasn't too sure about the event! Large crowds of people really freak her out and large crowds of screaming, running, frantic children freak me out! Even with the big kids causing a oval wide false start and hundreds of excited, panicking children racing and elbowing each other for the loot, Addi was able to pick up a few eggs. She enjoyed opening the eggs up and covering herself with the Easter stickers she found inside!

After the egg hunt Addison and I took the dogs to the river. One of our favorite spots in Missoula. It felt so great being out in the sunshine watching Addi explore and watching Mason's huge smile has he jumped in after rocks! We all were craving some river time.
18 weeks. At the River.

After the river we went to Papa's and played, sat in the sun and helped Papa clean up the house until it was time for Owen's 5th Birthday Party. We always have a blast at Marge & Steve's. They are so wonderful and I love spending time with Scott and Jackie's family and all the kids. We had dinner, Owen opened presents, we watched the kids break open the pinata, ate some batman cake (I nearly died, by the way, by inhaling some cake. Eating and laughing...not a good idea. Thanks to Don and Steve, I re-cooped!) and ended the night with our traditional world's largest bubble bath ever!

Baby Bellies. Me - 18 weeks. Ember - 33 weeks.

We got to Papa's at around 9:30 pm. Sara, Ellie, James and James' daughter, Fallon had just pulled in from their all day road trip from Colorado. I finally had my arms around my Ellie-Bellie! Sara looks AMAZING. She is gleaming with happiness! Addi, Ellie and Fallon played with each other so well. I was a little worried if Addi would feel left out somehow or maybe a little jealous of Fallon. Addi is very protective of Ellie and I wasn't sure how she would feel about having to share her! Addi and Fallon were instant friends. They had a great time screaming, running and jumping on Papa's couch! We finally drug Addi to bed (against her will) around 11 pm.

Easter morning Addi was excited to search for her Easter Basket. That crazy bunny hid it in the bathtub! We headed back to Papa's pretty early because we were promised breakfast, but they had already eaten without us. I am not bitter! I spent the day preparing our Easter dinner -ham, twice baked potatoes, bacon braised green beans and strawberry cake. Granny joined us for dinner. It was yummy! Sara had stuffed a ton of Easter eggs with candy and toys. The girls had a great time searching for Easter eggs in Papa's front yard. It was a great day - low key, relaxing and warm and sunny!

A Painful Anniversary

Today marks the sixth anniversary of the day we lost our Danny. Since that painful day, the stings of loss and the feeling like I may not be able to survive his death have subsided. But this day, April 20th, is a day I dread to face each year. I am sure that feeling will never go away, no matter how many anniversaries we mark. In the days leading up to this anniversary and days afterwards, I find myself reliving the horrible events of this day and the months that followed. Generally, the anniversary is a silent reminder of the day he died. Maybe a non-chalant phone call to Mom, Jake and Sara. Other than that, my family and I all try to move past this day as best we can, only to look onto the second hardest day of the year, April 30th - his birthday. Just 10 days, 10 days and we would have been celebrating a big milestone in his life - his 16th birthday.

For me, the worse part of loosing someone so important to me is feeling a never-ending void. A void filled with questions and wondering who he would have grown into and what our life would have been like if he was still here. Would he be dating or married? Would he have gone to school? Would he love his job? Where would he live? There was a void at my wedding where Danny should have been. And there is a void in Addison's life, where Uncle Danny should have been part of.

Death is difficult, no matter the circumstance. Loosing a person you love who is young is especially difficult. But loosing someone to suicide is inconceivable. When someone dies in a car wreck or dies after living a long, full life our minds can understand that. An tragic accident or illness happened and then that person died. We are able to accept the loss and hopefully, in time, we can move on. We don't forget or ever stop missing that person, but we are able to move on. Suicide is literally incomprehensible.

To this day, I still cannot understand what possibly was going on inside his sweet, young mind to make him think that was his ONLY solution. Thinking of it makes me angry - still, 6 years later. I will never, ever stop being mad at him. Why didn't he call me? He always called Sara or I with problems. Why didn't he think of his family, how we would feel to loose him? What happened that he felt he couldn't go on? Pointless, one sided argument, I know. It's the curse of suicide. I may never be able to move on - fully, peacefully. I will never be able to wrap my mind around his death.

I still feel him constantly. His presence is still strong. When the snow sparkles and when the sun rays break through a dark, storm cloud I think of him. I stop and breath him in. Certain songs that randomly play on the radio make me pull over for a long cry. I dream of him regularly. Usually they are happy dreams, mostly me hugging him and not letting him go and him laughing and rubbing my hair into knots like he always did or running his fingers down the my face (This used to drive me insane because his hands were always clammy and it grossed me out. Now I would give anything to feel that again). He always looks the same - he never ages.

My very last day with Danny and the conversation we had remains in the front of my mind like it happened yesterday. To this day I have told only two people this and now after 6 years I feel like I can share this private and what seemed at the time a very simple, uneventful moment spent together. The last time Danny and I were together Danny, Jake and I were folfing at Pattee Canyon Folf Course - I haven't folfed since. We talked about relationships and particularly Dylan and I's relationships. Although several years younger than me, he often took a big brother role and was always looking out for my best interest and giving me advice! That is a memory I want to cement in stone and I want nothing clouding it. I used to think that sharing this memory would some how taint it - unpreserve it.

With the help of some pretty intense therapy sessions, I am able to close my eyes and not have the first image of Danny be what my mind automatically took me to, the image of him lying, dead. I am able to remember Danny's life and not focus on his death. The past six years have literally been a constant struggle to achieve this. I expect this to remain apart of me, forever.

To say the very least, Danny is missed. Deeply, painfully missed. He was an amazing person and it isn't fair what happened. It isn't fair he felt he had no where to turn for help. His smiles and his laugh is burned onto my heart forever. The day I get to wrap my arms around him again will be a glorious day. I may spend a majority of eternity never him letting go.

I love you little Brother and I always will. I hope and pray you died knowing that.

Missouri River Fishing

Dylan has been raving about all the huge fish he is catching out of the Missouri River. Dylan had been raving so loudly Dave drove over from Missoula to fish for the weekend! I had to see the show for myself so Addi and I tagged along! I even stopped to pick up a fishing licence, just in case the fish fever was too strong for me to ignore! I am glad I did. I hooked and almost landed my first monster fish on a fly rod ever! When my monster Rainbow Trout broke herself free I was so disappointed. Four more inches to the net and I would have had the picture of proof - maybe the fish of the day!!! Dylan casted back out and almost immediatelty hooked another fish and let me reel her in and officially "land" her! It was a fun weekend. Well worth the painful stings of the harsh Helena wind and cold mornings. Addi enjoyed running to get the net when Dave or Dylan hollered for it! She thought the bright purple and red rainbows were so beautiful! Poor fish. Notice my death grip on her! She was not getting away without a picture!! "Uncle Dave, you wanna know something? I love you." Missed a big one!

Swim Lessons

Addi started swim lessons last Monday. She has always loved the water and has been jumping off the edge of the pool into the water since she could stand. She is eager to take her water wings off and be truly free in the water. For Addi, swim lessons have very little to do with learning how to swim or getting comfortable in the water. It has everything to do with getting comfortable with new people in potentially scary situations.

The first day of lessons went as I expected. Sara, the instructor, asked the kids to sit on the edge of the pool and then she came to each kid and grabbed them and lifted them into the water. Well, I knew right away that this would freak Addi out. She does not like being grabbed by strangers. She started to cry and it took a couple minutes to calm her down. Throughout the 1/2 hour lesson I was on the edge of the pool coaxing Addi to participate. She did get into the water and do the excerises but quickly climbed back out when Sara came close to her! I kept encouraging her by whispering in her ear. She is very comfortable in the water - she has no fear! She already swims on her own with water wings. She knows how to blow bubbles, hold her breath under water, jump in, kick, and she even floats on her back. When Sara was explaining to the other kids how to do things I would joke with Addi saying, "You know how to do that. Get in there and show them." It worked sometimes! She mostly just giggled. She thought it was really funny to get in the water and kick and see how wet she could get me! When the lesson was over Addi was all upset because it was over. She is excited to go back on Wednesday. She called me at work this morning to ask if swim lessons were today! Now that she knows what to expect I think she will be more eager to partcipate. We went to Target after her lesson and she got to pick out a new suit and goggles. She picked a suit that looks like a ballet tutu. She said, "I wants to be fancy!"

The last two lessons involved Addi sitting on the edge watching, whimpering and crossing her arms in protest. She is so weary of strangers and does not trust new people. Her teacher suggested I get in the water with her during a different class. I agreed. Addi loves the water and it is hurting her feelings that she is too shy to learn and play. Next Wednesday Addi and I will take lessons together!