ups and DOWNS

Life isn’t always a bundle of roses. Ups and downs are apart of everyone’s life. We all have some sort of hurdle to overcome. Sometimes we are forced to deal with grown up situations and make hard decisions.

Dylan and I are feeling discouraged. Discouraged by the amount of student loan debt that is haunting us. We are completely unsure of what to do next. We totally understood the amount of student loans it would take to get Dylan through school. Now that the bills are rolling in it is almost too much to deal with.

We are happy that we were able to remain in Montana after he finished school, close to our home and family and friends. Dylan loves, loves, loves his job right now. He is doing an amazing job and has moved on from legally having to be babysat all the time and now often works alone as the sole provider in the clinic. He truly enjoys his work and is so happy with the people he works with. He loves his schedule – three 12 hour shifts a week – yay, who wouldn’t! The people Dylan works with just love him. Whenever I am in the clinic someone is ranting about how wonderful and how smart and how much of a joy he is to work with! I am very proud of him. He had a goal in mind and achieved it and works very hard to provide a wonderful life for us. Not only that, he loves his job. How many of us get to say that and mean it? There are two downsides to his job. One, they don’t provide or offer health insurance and two, in my opinion they do not pay him what he is worth. Occasionally he is able to pick up an extra shift, but they are weary about paying him too much overtime.

I miss so much being a stay at home mom. I miss having a clean house, having healthy food in the house and making healthy dinners every night. I miss not having a huge pile of dirty laundry in the basement. I miss taking the dogs hiking everyday. I miss having the freedom to go visit Sara pretty much whenever I wanted to! But most of all I miss my Addi. I miss our art projects and nature walks and trips to the park. I miss listening to her talk all day long. I miss her jokes and silly dances. By the time I pick her up after work, get dinner made and give her a bath it is time for her bedtime story and I am saying goodnight to her.

Ideally, I would love to work part time. Allowing Addi to go to preschool 3 days a week and allowing me adult connection outside the house. Part time jobs that pay anything are hard to find.

Most days my cubicle feels like a torture chamber. I am so grateful for a secure job with wonderful benefits – especially in this economy. Without this job I would not have been able to get pregnant right now. But spending 40 hours a week stuck in a cubicle doing a job that means nothing to me is torture. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I definitely know that answering 40 calls a day and getting verbally abused by the people on the other end of the phone is not what I have dreamt about. I am really regretting the decisions that I made regarding my education and career path. IF only I had known…

When we moved here we said after 6 months we would re-evaluate our situation. The time has come.

These are the options we are now considering:

We had always talked about finding a loan repayment opportunity to help alleviate some our student loan burden. Should we move our lives to literally the middle of nowhere for 2-3 years for a loan repayment job? We look for an opportunity weekly. But these jobs are usually in the most remote, rural parts of the country with the nearest town 130 miles away.

Should we give away our dogs? That would allow us to move into an apartment and save a ton of money each month. The thought of doing that breaks my heart. We made a commitment to those silly animals and abandoning them is not right. Kya has been apart of my life for 6 years. She was the one who cuddled me unconditionally when Danny died and any other time that I needed her. How could we give Mason away? He would go literally insane without Dylan. And Pug-Pug, that little fatty has had a hard enough life without his family abandoning him again.

Should we move to a bigger city to make more money? Most places outside of Montana pay more. Back to Salt Lake City? Somewhere near Seattle?

Should we stay put? Once Dylan gets 2-3 years under his belt, job salary increase and more opportunities are available because he would no longer be considered a new grad. If we decide to stay here maybe I could take in a couple kids to watch during the day. But then how do we afford insurance?

Should I go back to school? I have been debating returning to school so I could get a job that I actually enjoy. The thought of having 2 kids and going to school full time scares me. I am considering Ultrasound Tech. The nearest school is in Bellevue, WA and it would take 2 years to complete.

How am I going to be able to stay home for at least a few months after the new baby is born? Where will we get health insurance? How will we afford to send an infant and Addi to daycare fulltime? Thinking about sending my new baby to daycare tears me apart…I can’t do that. So should we hire a nanny to come to the house?

I am also considering Sara’s idea to sail to a remote, un-inhabited island and live off the land!

Both Dylan and I are craving stability. We are always thinking 6 months ahead. Where are we going to go? Where are we going to work? What, when, who….We want a house that we can move into and never have to leave again! I want a garden. I want to watch newly planted trees grow big. I want swing set! I want a door frame with notches in it, marking the growth of our children! I don’t want to think, “Well, in 6 months our life can actually begin.” We want to think about planning a vacation, not planning another possible move.

All we can do is have faith in prayer. Have faith that the right opportunity will present itself to us - where we are meant to be is where we will end up.