Our Baby Goes to Kindergarten

I was up with the roosters. Almost like Christmas the anticipation for this day had been building for weeks and I was up, and ready to get it over with. I know my girl. I know what scares her. I know exactly how this morning will go. All the pep-talks will mean nothing. She will be nervous, clingy and there will be tears. New situations and new people terrify her. I knew my emotions would not handle a meltdown of my baby saying, 'please mama, don't leave me here.'

As I stirred my coffee I heard her alarm start to sound. I snuck to her room and watched her little self spring to life. For a week now we've had the alarm set and she has been practicing her new school morning routine. She sprang up, turned off her alarm and walked to her closet, then she spotted me. I picked her up and she wrapped her sleepy body around me. With her green blankey wrapped around her we said our good mornings and she excitedly got dressed.

We fixed her hair in two piggy braids and had breakfast. She was happy, smiling and excited. Okay, I can do this too, I thought to myself. She sat on the floor to put on her shoes. She looked up and said, "Are you sure these shoes look okay with this skirt?" Oh, that's my baby!

Breakfast secrets. 

And then the pictures. She looked so grown up. Too grown up for kindergarten. I was worried she would look too small, too young, too vulnerable.  I told her maybe she should skip kindergarten and go right to first grade. She gave me a little elbow to my side, "Oh, Mom.", she said.

Landon gave Addi hugs and kisses, but he was smiling and acting too goofy. Addi said, "You know Landon you really should be more sad about this day."

{Her.} She carries my whole heart with her. {Love.} She is my love and my dream come true. {She.} She makes me so, so proud.

She insisted she say goodbye to her best girl, Mariah.

At school we saw friends, kids and moms. They all stopped to wish her good luck. She had nothing to say and buried her face into my shirt.

In her classroom were a few friends from preschool that she knew well and many new friends that she did not. She clung to my hand and positioned her little self behind me, ever so slightly. Landon had this school thing figured out and climbed right into a little chair, awaiting instruction! When she was asked to have a seat, she hesitated. I assured her I would not leave until she was ready. I knelt beside her as she worked on coloring a little person Popsicle stick that had her name on it.

After a couple minutes I stood up and moved away from her table to the edge of the classroom. She got upset with me, and shed a few tears. Although I hadn't left the room, I had left her side too soon, before she said she was ready, like I had promised. Ms. Roberts asked if she was okay and her little voice squeaked out, "I'm just scared." I stayed at her side while she finished her coloring project and then moved on to cut her name out in playdoh. She found a good spot in between Cole and Jessi, her buddies from preschool. I could see on her cheeks and in her shoulders that she had relaxed. Ms. Roberts asked the kids to clean up the playdoh and invited them to have a seat on a letter on her carpet. I told Addi I would say goodbye now. She said, "Okay, mommy. Just walk me to the carpet." She sat on the "A". I kissed her, said I love you baby and I reminded her that I would be back to pick her up. Then I walked away. I lingered outside her door for just a few moments. Just to make sure she was okay. And she was.

Good, right!?? No big deal, right?!! We got this.

My friend Jenny stopped by the classroom while Addi still clung to my hand. I was still unsure if Addi would let me leave her. I almost lost it when Jenny and I made eye contact and she asked how I was doing. She's done this twice and knew just what my heart was feeling. When I whispered to Jenny, "Do I leave her when she starts to cry?", tears welled up and I had to look away from Addi. But I held it together - for her sake.

An instragram friend commented on one of my pictures, "She will make you proud mama." And that she did. She never stops amazing me. I don't know why I ever doubt her. She is so grown up, more than equipped and more than ready to take these first steps. She made me so proud.

But now. I sit here almost alone. Baby kitten is curled up in my lap. Like she could sense I needed a tiny body to need me right now. Landon is napping. The house is Barney-music free. The screen door isn't slamming shut every few minutes. I hear no little heeled feet changing for the millionth time. There isn't watercolor paint water spilled anywhere and she isn't asking for icey-lemon water. And I am wondering what she is doing. I so wish I could be a fly on the wall. Is she still okay? It's probably close to lunch time. Will she know what to do? Will someone help her find her way? Aw.... here it comes. I miss her already and now I cry. Will she remember to look at her bracelet if she gets a little sad.

Two and a half more hours until I get to see her face and hear all about it..... two hours and 29 minutes....

She saw me walk by her room --- only a few minutes early! I got a big smile, a wink and a thumbs-up! When her teacher dismissed her I got a big hug. She cheered with her cheerleading arms held high, "Kindergarten IS AWE-some!"

She didn't stop talking about her day the whole ride home. I said, "Well, is there anything you didn't like about your day?" She said, "No. I liked everything."

Her Feet

The shallow, shimmering creek kept a steady beat as is babbled along it's way - telling those whom would listen a story of where it's been and where it was going. Surrounding us, on both sides of the creek, was an old blackened burn, fully alive with new growth aspen shoots and wildflowers. All around us baby snake-grass reached high for the sun while clinging closely to the water-logged banks. All of this, the nature, the life, and the Montana beauty that I treasure and adore, surrounded us. With everything else around me that I could have been breathing in, I could not stop starring at her feet. Long, skinny and narrow - just like mine - and a little pink from the coolness of the high mountain stream. They were almost always pointed away from me. When I would talk to her or call her name her upper body would turn toward me and she gave me a little smile, but her feet held their ground. I kept thinking that they are starting to align themselves, naturally, in the direction of her future - upstream.

Walking upstream at times would be difficult. Walking on the slippery, uneven rocks would cause her to wobble at times. At times, the current would be fierce and gnarly and walking against the current may cause her to fall.   But walking upstream, into her future, the slips and falls would be met and overshadowed with all the beauty and love that lives upstream.

 Near me, but away from me at the same time. I kept imagining those little feet and all the places they will carry her. Her future is so wide open, as wide open as the endless wilderness her feet pointed to and the thought of her feet moving her where ever her heart asked them to go was almost overwhelming for me. In her little feet, I saw all her possibility. I saw her hopes and dreams, all her happiness and failures, her heart breaks and elations. I couldn't help but daydream about those little feet, that now sit carelessly dangled in mountain water and how someday they will walk her down her wedding isle. They will walk her through graduation, to cheerleading tryouts and to her first job. They will take her on her own adventures - over mountains, through trails and into airports. They will sway her in comfort while she is in labor and sway her baby the same comforting way. Those little feet have only begun their journey. Only time will show where they will take her. And for this mama, that is exciting - terrifying - but so, so  exciting.

My baby and those ten little toes will be walking through those big, red double doors, down that impossibly long, locker-lined hallway and into her little, colorful kindergarten classroom in a few days. Her feet will always be near me, but it is the beginning of her own feet walking her to her future. She will still hold my hand, but it is her own feet making the big move in this new, and unknown direction.

I will encourage her to follow her heart and her feet. Wherever she may be and whatever she may need,   I will encourage that growth, but I will always remind her to allow her feet to walk the familiar path back to me and into my arms. For no matter where her feet take her I will always be back at the beginning waiting for her return.

It was nothing more than a little girl, my little nature girl, soaking up the last few moments of summer bliss, but to this sappy, emotional mama - whom at times is on the brink of an utter mental collapse - it was a special time, probably the first time since she was an infant, that I really noticed her feet.

                                                                      :::

We loaded up the dogs and (yes, I caved and Mason was invited. He's annoying in the car, but gives me a sense of peace in bear country) our water bottles, bunny snacks, sandwiches, bear spray, Mama's 9 mm and milk jugs with the tops cut off. We had one thing on our mind; a little round, blue-purple berry that when it bursts on your tongue it's sweet juice reminds you that life in Montana, especially in the summer, is special and we are so lucky to live here.

We drove the dirt roads and climbed roadside hillsides, but the huckleberry eluded us. The little hike alongside the mountain stream and the time spent watching my sweet babies swim and play in the cool water was just as sweet and satisfying as that little berry we look forward to each summer.

He followed her as she kicked off her shoes, rolled up her jeans and explored the creekside. She encouraged him and offered him her hand when his outstretched leg was just short enough not to reach the next rock. She helped him up when he started to slip off the edge of the trail and told him, "Good try, buddy." She taught him how to make a bracelet out of snake-grass. She picked for him a chewing-weed and bit off the end for him. She taught him about fossils as she pointed out the seashells preserved in the surface of a rock. And it was her that encouraged him that 'getting naked' was really the only way to enjoy swimming in a Montana mountain stream. And with that they both stripped and ran wild, anatural! Oh, I just love her! Whenever I doubt everything we have taught her, in that, maybe it isn't enough for this new journey,  she teaches her little brother how to truly enjoy a day, immersed in the peaceful solitude, with nothing more than a little snake-grass and a calm swimming hole. She is calm, encouraging and patient. She is hard-headed, eager and does everything with flair, sparkle and attitude.   She is tough, but equally shy, sensitive and tender. She is so, so bright and sometimes her questions about life amaze me.

Life is good. And she knows how to enjoy it. She will be okay and so will I. Go little feet! Go forth and live. <3

Not Ready...

The older she gets the fewer and fewer "firsts" we get to experience together. Addison goes to school, kindergarten, in a week and a half. I am walking a tight line of totally handling it and totally freaking out.

As with many rites of passage there are certain rituals one must adhere to in order to fully appreciate the new experience. And with that in mind, we shopped. We hit all the stores and she choose a few new outfits. Almost everything she picked was blue. No pink.  That is a first. We also picked up the required 18 required glue sticks! Pencils and paper were not on her list, but we have the glue. So if nothing else she will leave kindergarten fully able to glue things!

Her and and I both had meltdowns during the day. She laid her head on her Daddy's shoulders with her legs wrapped around him and her ankles locked around each other. Her tiny body just begging her Daddy to never put her down. She shuttered "I don't want to go to kindergarten." While I watched from the pretzel line they worked through it. She temporarily shut down and decided that going to kindergarten was my fault (they always blame the Mama!) and shopping wasn't fun anymore. If it meant she had to go to school in her new clothes she didn't want them. I nearly ran away to find a dark corner to curl up in to and cry. I even let the words "home school" creep into my mind. But they were quickly brushed away because I am able to admit that her and I would not survive that together!

Although he doesn't say much as having any issues with sending our Jo-Jo off to the world, Daddy cradles her like a baby when ever she lets him, even through a shopping mall parking lot.

With that over and her favorite store on the horizon we persevered. We ended the day with totally scoring a beautiful second-hand pink, wool peacoat, that she insisted on wearing in the 100 degree heat. We cooled off with an extra huge, extra sprinkle frozen yogurt.

But I'm not ready. I'm not ready on so many levels. She's my baby. I haven't had enough time! At one point this week I blurted out and I told her that I wished I could roll her up and stuff her back into my womb. I may have definetly scarred her for life! She was totally grossed out. She said, "You mean I would turn back into a baby or I would be a five year old in your belly!?" Okay, honey, apparently I haven't completely thought it through! But I mean it. If I could I would start all over with her. She is that awesome! Not un-difficult, stubborn, hard-headed, spirited and makes me what to scream into a pillow sometimes, but equally wonderful and so special. I would do these first five years over and over and over again -- if I could.

In a few short days she will sit in that tiny chair. It may look huge to her. And what it represents is huge. But it will be tiny. Tiny enough to fit her tiny self. Deep down I know she will love every minute of her new day. She will adjust quickly and look forward each evening to going back. The big ol' mama bear in me wants her to never feel fear or pain and even though it's all apart of growing up - I know I need to let go and let her grow - but I'm not sure how. I might be that creepy mother peering in through the window all day long!

She thinks the bracelet is for her sake alone. I've tried to shelter her from my own anxiety and fears. Her heart is too big and she will end up worrying about me instead of enjoying herself.  Knowing she will have something on her that when she glances down or touches it she will know in her own words - I  will know my mommy is with me - is for my ease of mind. We found a horseshoe charm and letter beads. We each will wear them as long as she needs. A gentle reminder that I love her, am missing her every second and she has all the luck she needs around her tiny wrist.

I love you baby. And I am so thrilled to watch you in this new stage in your little life. Just like everything else, you will totally rock it!

On, Not Speaking

Landon has always done things in his own time. With being premature we knew to expect delays. It never bothered us. He was healthy, he was alive, and we knew he would reach milestones exactly when he was ready. We have been very fortunate in that his extreme illness and prematurity has not left him with residual issues or illness - except a delay in his expressive language --- he doesn't use many words! We've never been concerned. We know he understands everything we say to him, he can follow two-step instructions, point at anything we ask him in a book, he knows his body parts and many, many animals. Cognitively it is all there. Through his sign language, grunting and pointing and with the aide of his in-home interpreter, Addi, we can communicate with him and for the most part understand his needs and wants.

His favorite new word, Beep (Jeep). "Dada's Beep"

At his last preemie development eval (18 months adjusted age), this past spring, the speech therapist noticed a large delay and recommended he start receiving speech therapy. We decided to hold off for a few months and just see what kicks in naturally. We have definitely seen improvement. He started using several new words. The biggest improvement we have seen over the past few months is that his is trying new sounds and he tries to repeat a new word when asked. Usually he will say that new word perfectly clear, but then will not use that word again on his own. We started seeing frustration. Which told us he wants to talk he just can't, quite yet.

What he says now, consistently, with out being prompted:

Mama, Mom, Mommy
Daddy, Dada
Sis
Addis (Addison)
Me-Me (Mason)
Ariah (Mariah)
This
Sit
Ice
Wa-Wa (Water)
Shoes
Poop
Baby (He uses the word baby for many things. Actual babies, bugs and any animal he doesn't know the word for)
Titty-Tat (Kitty Cat)
Papa
Bubble
Grammy
Peez (Please)
Boat
Ball
Me
Hat
Hi
Bye
Nummy
Yes
Toat (Goat)
Dung-Dunk (Chicken)
Mickey
Beep (Jeep)
Upstairs
Pool
Downstairs

He puts two or three words together:

Mama shoes, Dada shoes, Sis shoes, Dada baby shoes, Me shoes, Ice peez, Hi baby

According to the 'charts' he should be saying at least 50 words. Not quite there. With speech, the delay doesn't ever really catch up to 'normal', the gap keeps increasing. Even though he is beginning to use new words we don't want the gap to get larger. We are hoping to get approved through a local early-intervention agency for an in-home family aide to come once a month to teach us, as a family, ways to encourage him to use his expressive language and get him closer to where he should be for his adjusted age. At the initial evaluation he did not flunk enough, so we are waiting on a clinical recommendation from his neonatologist in Missoula.

He gets so proud when he uses a new word. We of course make a big deal, "Good words, buddy!" He is figuring it out, slowly, but he is improving.

Daddy wishfully thinks, maybe he is just quiet. Maybe he won't be a non-stop talker like Addi. I think probably not!

Seven Years

Today Mama and Daddy celebrate our seventh anniversary.

We started dating in college in 2002. We were engaged in February and we were married six months later in 2006. In 2007, our Addison Jo was born. In 2008, we moved with our infant daughter for Daddy's schooling to Salt Lake City and in 2009 we moved home to Montana. In 2011, our Landon Wayne was born. And this year we purchased our first home, our dream home, where we can only hope we grow old together.  Life happens fast, so, so fast. Don't blink! You might miss something!

Life gets a little sweeter each year. We are so blessed to not only have each other, but we get to share this amazing life together as a family.

{Thanks Addi girl for the sweet picture.}

Into Glacier

As far as overnight, impromptu, camping trips go --  this one was probably the worse one ever. How can one have an unpleasant time when surrounded by the natural beauty that is Glacier National Park? Somehow it is possible. Most of the trip just wasn't fun. It was stressful and unpleasant. And I fully blame Mason. Yes, Mason our dog was the reason. He was so terrible in the car, barked the entire time. I literally though Daddy might tie him to a tree and leave him, or worse! We both vowed that if Mason has to come, we are not going. As he gets older his anxiety gets so bad. It is not fun for all involved. So, sorry old buddy, this was your last trip. You clearly cannot control your emotions!

Don't let his cute face fool you, he is a nightmare sometimes (Mason that is!).

I think we were trying to squeeze in another fun family outing before the craziness of our new fall schedule slams us and what we should have done is just stayed home! Oh, well. The kids had fun (when we weren't in the car!). Addi said, "I am thankful we got to go to Glacier again even though we didn't see any animals. It is so pretty there." Thank you Addi-girl. Your simple, honest perspectives keep us in line sometimes!

Chase with Daddy.

We all napped after setting up camp and after that the kids were entertained for a long time with chasing bubbles under the aspen grove.

After our spaghetti dinner in camp we took a peaceful (Mason-free) walk into St. Mary Lake. It was just beautiful with the sun setting over the mountain. The wildflowers that lined the trail were unbelievable.  Both kids fell completely into the lake, so that was very funny and entertaining for us!

Addison and I took a walk together to the cafe and got huckleberry cheesecake and apple pie to share at the campfire. We played with a flashlight and tried staying awake to watch the meteor shower, but we were just too exhausted.

Landon is so proud to wear his flannel shirt like Daddy's.
He pats his chest and says, "Dada, dada."

We broke camp after breakfast, parked the camper at the visitor center and drove into Glacier. There was a lot of traffic, long waits with road work on Going to the Sun Road and yes, Mason barked the whole time, but Glacier is still, simply, breathtaking, and for that I happy we were there. We had a picnic lunch near the top of Logan pass surrounded by wildflowers and waterfalls. It is easy to take it all for granted when you are only a couple hours away from this majestic place. When you call this heavenly place "home" it is easy to not see what is really there in front of you ~ a good reminder anyway. Yes, I am the first to admit imperfection and we had a bad attitude this trip!!!

To end this trip, our camper got a flat tire on the way home and I watched in terror as Daddy changed the tire practically in the highway. But we made it home, safe and sound and we were so grateful to pull into our drive-way, put away the camp stuff and do everything in our power to avoid Mason!